Repetition
by Willful Redhead
Summary: "Same old, same old." Brian said with a bitter laugh. Adam didn't respond at first, too angry and too weary to move. "It's not the same, Brian, or at least it shouldn't be. Aren't you ready for change?"
1. Chapter 1

ADAM MCFADDEN glanced at his watch, although, truth be told, he didn't need the watch. A lifetime of ranching had taught him to read the sky. He sighed, recognizing that he would be late; too late. He tugged on the reins of his horse, King, and gave a sharp whistle to Chance, their cattle dog, and turned toward home. He didn't bother to gallop. Both he and King had worked a long day, and pushing King to run full speed wouldn't make a difference. He would still miss Ford's recital.

It wasn't so much that he longed to attend a high school orchestra recital in a stuffy auditorium, but that he hated not being there for his brother. And even worse, Brian and Crane had gone to Lodi to meet with a potential buyer, so they wouldn't be there either. He knew Daniel was in Angels Camp playing a high school dance. The burden of fatherhood weighed heavy on his shoulders. It was Ford's last recital. He couldn't believe he wouldn't be there. The seniors and their parents were recognized in the final recital of the spring. He was looking forward to standing beside Ford, proud of his younger brother's musical gift and prouder still that he had found a way to conquer his shyness and join the orchestra.

"Can't change what you can't change." He told himself. It was his brother, Brian's favorite phrase. There was a truth to it. He couldn't turn back the hands of time and keep those six cows from breaking from the herd. He couldn't stop the coyote from startling them and he certainly couldn't pause time so he could get home in time.

Hannah would go, and force Guthrie into a clean shirt to go with her. Of course,Guthrie would jump at the chance to drive, and to meet up with his friends at the high school. His wife was quick to step in and parent his brothers - especially Guthrie and Ford who were still pretty young when she had married him. In all truth, she was quick to mother all of them - even Brian who had a complicated relationship with his sister-in-law. He always brushed off her advice - sometimes rudely, but always introduced her as his little sister. Adam understood his brother, and knew that despite a sometimes brusque attitude, he cared deeply for Hannah, even if he was often incapable of expressing or even allowing himself to feel it.

Adam shook his head, forcing himself NOT to think about Brian. After their parent's deaths, all his worries were spent on his youngest brothers. He had little worry to spare for Brian. It pained him to think of those days now. He'd leaned heavy into Brian, relying on him to shoulder the burden of cooking and cleaning. He recognized now that Brian was only sixteen at the time. He'd gone from playing football with his friends, to staying home and running the house overnight. He'd had no time to talk him through this transition, and no words of wisdom to give him, either. He was just barely able to keep everything together. As he often explained to Hannah who would ask, "How did you feel? How did you process all of it?"

"Process it! I was just trying to survive!"

"Oh, Adam," She would say her wide, dark-blue eyes bright with compassion.

"Easy, hon," He would tell her. "It was ok. I didn't have time to feel anything! I was trying to keep the ranch running, the boys fed and the house clean."

She would shake her head, and grin sadly, "I don't think you managed that last bit." She teased him because she knew it was what he'd be comfortable with, but her eyes and tone of voice always revealed her compassionate sadness. He rarely let the conversation go deeper, and respectfully she didn't push it.

But lately, he had space and time to think on it. And it seemed that all his worries had shifted from the littles, as he always called them, to the bigs - or more specifically, one big; Brian. It wasn't as if Brian was _completely_ out of control. It was just that he seemed to be coming home too late with too little to say about what he'd been up to. The truck had more than one unexplained ding in the bumper, and more than one waitress in the cafe would turn from Brian with an angry glare. It was something that had always been at the back of his brain; the last worry after a pile of worries before he dropped off to sleep at night.

The house was empty when he'd finally made it back home, and put King in the barn. As was typical, there was a plate of food and a note from his wife. _I hope you tucked away an extra $10 because I had a bet with Guthrie about whether or not you would make it back in time. I know you must be pretty beat up about it and a reheated steak is hardly comfort, but it was the best I could do. I'm taking the boys to ice cream after, so maybe you could meet us there? Either way, Ford understands. Love, Hannah._

He was too hot, tired and down for food, so he put the plate in the fridge and opted for a shower. He could meet up with them downtown and at least show up for _that_. He was stepping out of the steamy bathroom, wrapped in a towel when he ran straight into Crane.

"You made it back." He said.

"Yup. Looks pretty good, too. Where's the family?"

"Ford's recital, which is probably just about over. I'm gonna go into town. We'll take the kid out for ice cream. Wanna go?" Adam asked.

"How you getting there?" Crane asked.

"Well, now that you are back, the truck, I hope."

"No. Brian threw me out of the truck and headed into town." Crane told him. "Something about a blond."

"Damn it!" Adam exploded, grateful that it was only Crane at home. "He never thinks about anyone!"

"I tried to get him to check in first - especially seeing that the jeep was gone, but you know him."

"Stubborn as the day is long." Adam sighed. "Well, I guess I'm stuck sitting around here while Hannah parents for us. He really ticks me off sometimes."

"Sometimes?" Crane asked.

"Right." Adam agreed. "Seems like ever since I got married, he just tosses the responsibilities onto her without even thinking about it."

"Well . . ." Crane began.

"Right. I get it. I screwed up at the get-go, but she and I worked that out ages ago, and he never even _asks_ her - just assumes she'll fill in! I mean, she is still fighting morning sickness and he doesn't even care."

"To be fair, he probably forgot about the recital. I mean, I didn't remember it, and I remember just about everything." Crane offered.

"Yeah, I guess that's true." Adam considered. He sighed and continued down the hall to his room to get dressed.

"It still doesn't mean he's kind of a jerk sometimes." Crane said.

"Yeah." Adam agreed, stepping inside his room.

***7***

Sitting at the kitchen table with Crane, splitting what was left of an apple pie, he could still feel his anger just below the surface. They talked about other things, though - mostly Crane's trip and the fortune of a new buyer. The ranch had done pretty well in the last few years, enough to make things comfortable - at least comfortable enough for Adam not to spend his nights worrying if they'd lose the ranch the next day. Daniel had a pretty steady gig playing shows around the county and had some exposure to some bigger opportunities in the future - had even once sat in on a show for the up-and-coming star Tommy Noma. Even had just recently joined the rodeo circuit and was starting to make a name for himself. Crane had managed the ranch into financial stability, while taking night classes to continue his education. He was working his way toward his Ph.d although lately, he seemed pretty distracted by a nursing student he'd met. And Adam himself had somehow managed a pretty damn good life for himself, Hannah, despite all odds, had settled very nicely into the family, and just eleven months ago they'd brought home their first born, a daughter they'd named for his mother. Kate was the star of the family, doted on by six loving uncles, and two adorning parents, although in about five more months she would get knocked off center stage by her younger sibling. When he thought of it, he had a huge pile of blessings, and yet, it seemed that out of everyone, Brian was still struggling - struggling with his spot in the family, his place in the community, and his own future. He was never without a date, but never seemed to settle on anyone girl. It seemed as soon as he came close to liking someone, he dropped them like a hot potato. Adam couldn't figure it. Their own parents had been loving and happy, and even before their loss, he hadn't known deep in his soul, that he wanted that happiness for himself someday. After the crash, he was sure he would never, ever find it, and it was only his wife's loving, forgiving spirit that resulted in his dreams coming true.

"What's going on?" His thoughts were interrupted by Daniel coming in the back door. "This place is quiet as a tomb!"

"You'll make up for that." Crane said laughing. "How was the gig?"

"Oh, the usual teenage love and angst." Daniel settled into a chair after leaning his guitar in the corner of the room, as Crane poured him a cup of coffee.

"A tale of beauty and of woe," Crane remarked settling back into his seat.

"Thanks for saving me some pie," Daniel said, indicating the empty pie tin on the table. "What's wrong with the old man, here?"

"He's deep in thought." Crane answered. "Scheming."

"Planning my career as an accountant." Daniel teased.

"Please, like you could sit at a desk for more than five minutes." Adam said with a laugh. He and Daniel had long ago found a peace. He wished an easier path for his younger brother, but recognized that he was a talented artist who had to try and find his way. Adam rose, and put the plates and the pie tin in the sink. "What time is it anyway?"

"10:15, which, I guess, is the upside to playing a highschool dance." Daniel remarked. "Everyone still out with Ford? Seems a little late."

"Yeah." Adam considered, as he washed the dishes. "It is."

"Great." Crane said to Daniel. "Now, you've got the Old Man worrying! Listen, Adam, she said they were going out for ice cream and half the town probably did, too. Don't start fretting."

"Yeah." He agreed, but his voice was anything but confident.

"Well, it's my little family!" Brian said, bursting through the doorway, his arm around a blond. "This here is Betty." He indicated the girl.

"Becky." She corrected.

"Right. Sorry." Brian laughed. "Anywho, we are dropping off the truck because I know that Old Man McFadden would be just furious not to have the truck in the morning. I'm gonna go over to Bonnie's for a bit."

"Becky," She corrected again.

Adam sighed, fighting an urge to argue with Brian. He'd obviously been drinking and so there wasn't any point.

"You driving?" Adam asked Becky.

"Yes." She said with a nod. "Brian's a little worse for wear."

"He usually is." Daniel told her. "You sure you don't want to just dump him here? I'm free this evening."

"Trying to steal my girl!" Brian pushed Daniel's shoulder playfully.

"What about big brother?" Becky asked, indicating Adam.

"He's old as dirt!" Daniel countered.

"Well, at least he's not in kindergarten," Becky said to Daniel.

"That's hurtful." Daniel responded. "I'm in the 4th grade."

"Old man is married as married can be." Brian told her. "'Sides, he is a stick in the mud!"

"I guess you'll have to do then." She said.

The house settled into silence as the two of them walked out, and they could hear the revving of an engine as they drove off.

"She didn't even consider me." Crane said, breaking the silence.

"You look like a priest." Daniel told him. "You should really rethink the beard."

"Emily likes it." Crane said, rubbing his beard thoughtfully.

"It's getting late." Adam said. "Billy closes that place up at 9:30, doesn't he?"

"He sometimes stays open late if there are lots of people." Daniel told him. "Stop worrying."

"Yeah, I guess." Adam said, as he wandered into the front room.

***7***

BRIAN McFADDEN was only mildly buzzed. Sometimes he played up being drunk because it ticked off his older brother. He recognized that this was petty and passive/aggressive, but somehow he couldn't help himself. And it didn't hurt that pretending to be slightly helpless, made it easier for whatever girl he was with to try and take care of him.

He glanced over at Becky who sat behind the wheel of her mustang, her blond hair blowing in the wind from the rolled down windows.

"Thanks for driving all the way out here." He told her. "I appreciate it."

"What's with the total jerk act?" She asked him. "Why you so mad at your brother?"

"I don't know what you mean." He responded.

"You _know_ my name. We've been out six times and you aren't that drunk." She told him.

"Eh, well, you know, it's just some Cain and Abel garbage. Brothers." He shrugged.

"Well, maybe you should . . ."

He never heard the rest of her sentence, which was just as well because he was open to advice of any kind - especially not regarding his lifestyle or his relationship with his older brother. He was distracted by a sheriff's car passing them at pretty fast clip.

"Turn around." He said.

"What?" Becky asked.

"Go back to the house, and gun it would ya?"

"Why on earth?" She asked flipping a u-turn on the empty road."

"That sheriff is going to our place."

"How do you know?" She asked.

"There's nothing else on this road." He told her. "It's just us and then the National Forest."

They caught up to the sheriff's car and so pulled in just behind it. Brian barely waited for the car to stop to hop out.

"Taylor!" He called out to Sheriff Taylor Parker. "What's going on?"

"Brian! Oh, good. I was hoping Adam wasn't home alone." The Sheriff turned toward him. "You can help me. I gotta talk to Adam."

"Why?" Brian felt suddenly and frighteningly sober. "What's going on?"

"There's been an accident."


	2. Chapter 2

" _I don't understand, what do you mean?" Brian asked._

" _There was an accident."_

 _He heard the sentence repeated, but it sounded hollow and distant. He couldn't seem to grab hold of the words._

" _An accident?" Brian repeated. "But they were coming home tonight. I don't understand."_

" _That's when it happened. A truck crossed over the line and . . ."_

" _They are gone?" Brian asked trying to process it all._

" _Oh, Brian! Brian? Are you listening? Look, I'm sorry but you've got to focus. We have tell the boys." He blinked up into his older brother's face. "Brian! We are all they have."_

***7***

"What did you say?" Brian managed to somehow gasp out. Becky had followed him out of the car.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"There was an accident. It was on the way back home. They took everyone to the hospital and . . ." Sheriff Parker never finished the sentence.

"God damn it!" Brian burst out. "I knew it! I knew it! I told him he was stupid to marry that girl! I knew it would come to this."

"No, look Brian, I think everyone is stable and . . ."

"You _think_? That's not good enough! Are you expecting me to tell _him_ that . . ."

"What's going on?" Adam asked from where he stood at the top step. "You weren't driving were you, Brian?"

"No, man, I wasn't driving." Brian said shaking his head. He turned back to Sheriff Parker. "Jesus, this is gonna be . . .Aw, damn it all to hell." He glanced at Becky. "Go on home." He walked up the front steps, stopping just one step below his brother.

"He isn't here for you is he?" Adam asked, his voice deathly quiet.

"No, brother he ain't." Brian took the last step so that he stood facing Adam. He could see Crane hovering in the front doorway. "Get out here, Crane."

"Talk." Adam said in a strangled voice. "You are stalling and I can't breathe."

"There was an accident." Brian said flatly.

"Are they dead?" Adam asked his eyes wide. He turned toward Sheriff Paker. "Did you come tell us they are dead?"

"No," Sheriff Parker stood at the foot of the porch. "No, Adam. I came to drive you to the hospital. I don't know how everyone is. I was just nearby and heard the call come over the radio. I wasn't there. I don't know anything."

"I can't . . ." Adam glanced from the Sheriff to his brother. "My feet won't move."

Sighing, Brian put an arm around his older brother, and felt Adam sag into him; the weight nearly bringing him to his knees. "Just one foot," He said to Adam. "Then the next one." They staggered down the steps together, and he fairly pushed him into the cruiser. Crane had already climbed in on the other side, so Brian climbed into the passenger seat.

"Daniel?" Adam said as Sheriff Parker climbed behind the wheel.

"Hell," Brian said stepping out of the car. "He can bring the truck. I'll ride in with him. I'll meet you there."

"Get out." Adam said sharply, but Brian understood. Every second was an eternity of not knowing.

"I'll be right there!" He yelled after the car as it sped away. He looked up to see Daniel on the front porch. "Get the keys, Dan'l. You have to drive. I can't."

"Yeah, I . . ." Daniel stood hesitant and confused.

"Daniel, now!" Brian barked and his brother darted back inside the house.

***7***

" _Danny if you don't come out this second, I'm gonna tan your backside." Brian growled at his younger brother._

" _No!"_

 _Getting down on his hands and knees, Brian could see his younger brother underneath his bed. The boy had managed to scoot up against the wall, his bright eyes glimmering in the darkness._

" _It is time for church and you're going. Adam says so."_

" _I ain't going to that church!" Daniel growled. "That lady said God killed Mama on purpose! I ain't never going back!"_

" _Jesus, Danny!" Brian sighed exasperated beyond belief. "Sometimes people are just really stupid. Just come on out."_

" _NO!" Danny answered. "No until everyone leaves for church! I don't want Adam picking me up and making me go!"_

" _What is the hold up?" Adam asked leaning in the doorway of the younger boys bedroom._

" _He won't come out." Brian gestured under the bed. "He won't go."_

" _Geez, Brian. He's just a little kid. Grab him by his ankle and fish him out."_

" _I'll kick you!" Daniel yelled from under the bed._

" _I'll kick you back." Brian responded._

" _That's a big help, thanks." Adam glared at him._

" _Fine. Whatever. You handle it! You're the genius." Brian stormed away._

***7***

"But what did he say?" Daniel asked his hands gripping the wheel. "Brian? Brian! What did he say?"

"Nothing. There was an accident. He didn't know anything else."

.

"So, they could be fine."

"They took them to the hospital." Brian pointed out.

.

"But they could be fine." Daniel's voice was pitched higher than normal.

"Watch the damn road, Danny. We'll know soon enough."

***7***

GUTHRIE McFADDEN stode at the front doors of the emergency room. He leaned forward searching for his older brother. He drew in a sudden breath as he saw Adam climb out of a sheriff's cruiser, his face white with fear.

"Adam," Guthrie said. "Adam, I'm really sorry."

***7***

" _I just wanted to say how sorry I am." The voice on the other end of the phone continued, but Adam was barely listening any more. "We want you to know that we are going to mark this down as a deferment, we aren't shutting this opportunity down. We can talk again later this year."_

" _A year's not gonna change the fact that my brothers got no one else. We have one Aunt who is about 92 years old living in a retirement home in Nevada. That's it. My parents had no siblings. My father's parents were both orphans, and my mother's father split when she was a kid, and my grandmother died last year. You can't unchange any of that."_

" _I understand." The man sighed. "I'm just saying that we want you to know we are willing to find a way to make things work. Maybe down the road you will get your brothers settled and find a way to make a life for yourself."_

" _This is my life now." Adam told him._

***7***

Adam stepped into the emergency room, his heart pounding in his chest. He turned to find Guthrie standing directly in front of him. He had a small cut across his forehead which had been stitched together with a few stitches.

"You okay?" He asked, his hands on his brother's arms.

"I'm so sorry, Adam." Guthrie said his hazel eyes filling with tears. "I'm just so . . ."

"Where's Ford?" Adam barked out. "What about . . ." He found himself incapable of speaking. Crane had caught up to them by then, and he pulled Guthrie against him.

"You okay?" He asked, his voice gentle.

"I just got a cut." Guthrie said, clearly dazed and rattled.

"Okay. Where is everyone else?" Crane's voice was calm and unusually slow. "Guth? What happened?"

"A car ran a light and right into us and I tried to swerve but . . ." Guthrie kept glancing around his eyes following Adam who was pacing like a tiger. "Ford's in x-ray. They wanna check his wrist or hand I don't know."

"What about Hannah and the baby?" The question exploded out of Adam in a rush of words. "Where are the girls?"

"They took them straight back. They are okay, I think. She wasn't bleeding or hurt or unconscious, and Katy was sleeping. She never even woke up in the crash." Guthrie laughed a little at this and then started to cry. "God, Adam I'm so sorry."

Adam studied his little brother trying to comprehend everything that was happening, but he was torn between twin emotions of love and anger. He knew Guthrie needed his reassurance but he couldn't manage it; couldn't manage anything until he knew if his wife and daughter were alright.

"McFadden?" A doctor stepped into the waiting room. He glanced at Guthrie. "I told you to sit down."

"Sit!" Adam barked, taking Guthrie by the arm and guiding him into a chair, while moving closer the doctor. "I'm Adam McFadden. Where's my wife and my daughter?"

"They are both fine and . . ." The doctor began, but Adam cut him off.

"She's five months pregnant."

"We caught that." The doctor smiled. "The baby is fine, too. We just like to be really careful, so we've admitted her and will keep her overnight."

"Where's . . . " Adam swallowed hard. "Can I . . . Can I see her?"

"This way." The doctor said.

***7***

" _Can I see them?" Adam asked._

" _I don't think that would be a good idea, son." The doctor told him gently. "It was a very bad accident."_

" _So, they are just . . . they are just gone?"_

" _Yes." The doctor said placing a hand on his shoulder._

" _I want to see her. I want to see my Mom." Adam insisted._

 _The doctor glanced over at the nurse who stood near them. She had tears in her eyes, but nodded her head slightly. "Okay," He told the teenager. "This way."_

***7***

Every single hospital hallway looks exactly like every other hospital hallway, at least, that's how it seemed to Adam. He followed the doctor down several corridors and through a few heavy doors. It felt as though it were taking hours. It felt as if he were walking miles.

"We checked her out and ran all kinds of tests. Everything came back normal. We've got her on some fluids just because we want to be careful, which also why we admitted her." He opened a door, holding it open for Adam before following him inside. "We are keeping her closely monitored."

She sat up in a hospital bed, surrounded by pillows. The girl loved pillows. Her hair hung over one eye, and she brushed it aside as he stepped into the room. His heart hammered hard against his chest and he felt dizzy.

"Wheres . . wheres . . ."

"The nurse just took her to give her a bath. She's fine, Adam. She slept through the whole crash, and there isn't one scratch on her. I checked myself. She's fine. I am fine."

"Like I said," The doctor continued. "Keeping her here is just a precaution."

"You are gonna have to give him some time. He can't hear you, just now. You'll end up telling him everything again later."

"Right." The doctor nodded. "I'll come back after rounds." He pointed at Hannah. "Remember what I said: rest and fluids."

"I'm sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV." She responded. He nodded and with a glance at Adam, he left them. Hannah looked up at her husband. "Adam, come here before you fall over."

He stumbled toward the bed and she indicated the bed, but he leaned in close so that his face was just inches from hers. "You are okay?" He asked, his voice choked by tears.

"Yeah. It was scary but I'm fine. The baby is, too. Here, feel." She took his hand and rested it on her stomach.

"She's kicking." He said, sniffing and wiping a tear with his free hand.

"He sure is." She reached out and touched his face with her soft fingers, and he leaned in pulling her into a tight embrace.

"You are okay?" He said again.

"Yes." She said kissing his cheek. "I'm sorry. They wouldn't let me call you."

"Okay." He said. "Okay." He drew back from her wiping his face, and then sat down beside her on the edge of the bed. "Lay back, sweetheart. You should be," He wiped his arm across his face. "You should rest."

She lay back against the pillows and took his hand in hers kissing her fingers.

"You need anything?" He asked.

"Not anymore." She grinned up at him. "They gave me extra pillows."

"I saw that." He smiled at her, leaning in and kissing her. "Where's Katy?"

"She made a mess of her diaper, so the nurse took her for a bath. She just took her right before you walked in. I bet you can find her."

"Well, I . . ."

"I'm fine." She squeezed his hand. "Go on. You'll feel better when you see her."

He rose. "Okay, uh, I'll be right back. Okay?"

"Go on." She smiled at him. He nodded but leaning close kissed her again.

"I love you, Girl - with all of my heart."

"I love you, too." She smiled up at him, but he could see the residual stress in her eyes, the shadow of tears. "I'll be right back."

***7***

He found the nurse in a small room near the maternity ward. She was wrapping Katy up in a towel.

"Dada!" Katy said clapping her hands with joy.

"You found us." The nurse said, as Adam stepped closer. "She had a little accident."

"She's good at that." He moved closer and lifted her up into his arms. The small girl was dressed only in a diaper, and her skin was pink from her bath. He kissed her cheeks and held her chubby little body against his chest. "How's my Katy girl?"

"She doesn't have a scratch on her." The nurse told him. "I think your wife said she had a change of clothes in the baby bag, but it might still be with your jeep."

"Oh!" He told her. "I didn't think to bring her any clothes! I was . . ."

"I can imagine. I'll ask around and see what we can find. She'll be plenty warm wrapped up in that blanket. I already sent her clothes with some laundry. Can you find your way back to your wife's room?"

"What about my brothers? I didn't have a chance to . . ."

"I'll send the doctor over to your wife, okay? Everyone is fine though - just minor bumps and bruises. You are really very lucky. It is a good thing your brother reacted so quickly."

"Yeah, he's a good driver." Adam said. "Thank you."

***7***

"Well, everyone is looking much better now." The doctor said as he stepped back into the room. Adam sat beside Hannah on the bed, with Katy sleeping in his arms. Hannah was snoozing against his shoulder but her eyes flicked open as soon as the doctor spoke.

"What about the boys?" Hannah asked.

"The driver, uh, Guthrie? Is that right?" They nodded. "He has a scratch on his forehead that we put six stitches in, and a bruise along his chest from the seat belt. That'll be sore for a bit. He showed no signs of a concussion despite the cut on his head."

"He's got a hard head." Adam said.

"Apparently. Your other brother, Ford, had what looked like a broken wrist, but we ran x-rays and it looks to just be a sprain. Our guess is he hurt it pulling your wife out of the car. It appears that when he couldn't get her seatbelt unbuckled, he pulled out with his hands. He also had some bruising on his forehead and he has a slight concussion so we talked to your brother Crane about keeping a close eye on him."

"Poor Ford." Hannah said. "I want to see them. Can I go see them?"

"No." The doctor said and Adam looked up sharply.

"You said everything tested out normal." He said anxiously.

"It did, but she was in a pretty significant car accident and stress is no small thing. So, we are keeping you here for tonight and tomorrow, then I want you on bed rest for the next five weeks."

"What?" Hannah exclaimed. "No, I can't be on . . ."

"Stop." Adam said gently. "Just listen a minute, hon."

"I know it isn't convenient especially with a little one, but we don't want to take any chances, and rest is what you need. Look, after three weeks we will bring you back in and run some tests and if everything checks out, we might shorten it, but I want you to be prepared to spend some serious time on bedrest."

"I . . . I . . . " Hannah sputtered.

"You've rendered her speechless, doc." Adam said with a grin.

"I want to see my boys." She said with a glare at her husband.

"Alright, I'll send the mob back here, so you can see they are alright. Then I'm sending them all home. Now, they are going to bring a crib in here for this little one. Do you still feed her in the middle of the night?" He asked, but didn't allow Hannah to answer. "Tell me yes."

"Yes?" She answered confused.

"Good. I'll let the staff know that he _has_ to be here to help you with her." The doctor winked. "I'll give you fifteen minutes of family time and then everyone is leaving and this little family is getting some sleep. She needs to rest."

"Yes, sir." Adam agreed.

"Alright, then. Brace yourself. That's a nervous bunch out there." He hesitated in the doorway. "If you have any questions they can find me any time tonight."

"Thanks, Doc." Adam said and then turning to Hannah added. "It feels like it is 2 in the morning."

"It's almost midnight. You aren't far off." She reached out brushing the hair off his forehead. "You must have been so . . .I'm sorry. I know that tonight was pretty tough."

"You are apologizing. You kill me, Girl." He kissed her forehead. "I might have aged another 50 years tonight. I'm glad you girls are okay, and once I see Ford and Guthrie, I'll feel better, but my nerves might be shot for the next decade."

"Maybe some bedrest would help." She told him.

"Maybe." He agreed.


	3. Chapter 3

BRIAN McFADDEN leaned against the doorframe of the hospital doorway. He hoped it gave him his normal air of nonchalance but in truth, it was holding him up. He could not get his heart rate to settle, and he knew if he stepped fully into the room he would probably fall over. His panic was in contrast to the scene in front of him. Hannah sat propped up in her hospital bed with Adam standing beside her, his arm around Ford's shoulders. Ford wore his left arm in a sling, and some bruises on his face and forehead and his eyes were red rimmed, although most everyone's tears had stopped by now. Guthrie sat on the side of Hannah's bed with little Kate in his arms. Crane stood behind him, a hand on Guthrie's slim shoulder. Daniel was on the opposite side of the bed, pour water into a glass for Hannah, who smiled up at him as she took. She took a sip and turned toward Brian. _"Oh crap!_ He thought, recognizing the glint in her eye.

"You can come in the room, Brian. I won't bite." She said studying him.

"Well, that nurse is coming back to kick us all out in a few. I'm standing guard." He told her.

"Uh, huh." She shook her head and then turned back to Guthrie who had asked her something just then.

He turned away, looking out into the dim hospital corridor. His brain understood that everyone was alright, but looking at his sister-in-law lying in a hospital bed with his brothers looking weary and bruised, he found it much more difficult to settle his nerves. It was becoming impossible to stay where he was.

"I'm gonna go see if they found something for Katy to wear." He burst out abruptly and then disappeared before anyone could respond.

***7***

"You need to talk to Brian." Hannah spoke softly in the dim hospital room. The brothers had left and Kate lay sleeping in a hospital crib. Adam was slumped beside her in a recliner that a nurse had brought into the room. He was sitting with his head back, his eyes on the ceiling, but turned to his wife as she spoke.

"You are sleeping right now, remember?" He chidded her.

"I'm serious, Adam." She reached for his hand.

Adam moved and sat down on the edge of the bed, pausing to kiss her and then squeezing her fingers.

"I'm inches from completely falling apart, darlin'." He confessed. "So how about you close those pretty blue eyes of yours and we'll pick up on the regular stress of being heads of household tomorrow, huh?"

"Poor Adam," She said softly. "Never get a break."

"Poor Hannah, too. You married into a hell of a big job, sweetheart."

"Well, it helped that I didn't know it at the time." They turned their heads as Kate, deep in sleep, sighed loudly.

"God," He rubbed his face with his hands. "I couldn't even breathe and I don't know what . . ."

"Easy." Hannah said softly. "Everyone is fine." She sighed. "You need to sleep, hon."

Adam said nothing his eyes filling with tears. Hannah moved to the edge of the narrow bed, and he lay down beside her, his head resting on her should, his hand resting on her stomach. "Every day, all my life," He told her softly. "I love you, forever." He closed his eyes, fighting a powerful tide of emotion filled with the past, the present and the future, and still even then, his concern for Brian nibbled at the edges of it all.

"Sleep." Hannah repeated. "It's okay. We are all just fine."

The events of the night washed over him as he drifted to sleep. He clung to the truth of her words. There _was_ an accident, but everyone _was_ fine this time. This time things were different. He wasn't along. She was here, and both his children slept peacefully one in her crib, the other nestled safe inside his wife. Guthrie was fine and Ford was fine. Everyone was alright, just like she kept reminding him. _Poor, Hannah_ he thought. She bore the burden of his wounds just as he did. She would spend weeks reminding him over and over again that everything had turned out just fine. She would understand his fears, and work to calm them, never mind that _she_ was the one in the wreck. Whatever fears or terrors she had faced would take a backseat to his family history. He kissed her cheek again, "You are the one who needs sleep, sweetheart. Stop fussing over me." She squeezed his fingers, and he settled back against her shoulder, the familiar scent of her perfume clouded by sterile hospital smells. He forced his mind away from the painful memories associated with all things hospital, and drifted to sleep thinking of the way her eyes lit up whenever he made her laugh, but even then, even in that last moment before sleep, he could see, in his mind's eye, just beyond Hannah's laughing face, Brian leaning against the doorway, his face a mix of terror and anger.

***7***

Daniel leaned in the doorway of Adam and Hannah's bedroom.

"So, basically, you are saying if it is white or yellow, she is willing to eat it." Daniel was saying.

"Pretty much." Hannah agreed. She was sitting up in bed where she had been since returning home four days ago. "Ugh! This is so frustrating!" She leaned forward. "I will just."

Daniel bounded across the room to stand in front of her.

"No way! Not on my watch! Adam will _KILL_ me if you get up. I got this. Katy is so easy. I just was double-checking before I fixed something. I'm sorry." He put a hand on her shoulder.

Hannah sighed heavily. "This is not as easy as it sounds."

"I don't imagine so." He told her. "I'm gonna go feed Kate and then I'll fix you something. You hungry?"

"I guess."

Daniel disappeared downstairs and Hannah tried to focus on the book she'd been reading, but her frustration at being so sedentary bubbled to the surface and she turned to climb out of bed.

"Four days!" Brian's voice startled her. "You can't even last four days."

"I was just . . ."

"You were just trying to bust outta here." He crossed the room and set the plate of food on the nightstand. "Don't sweat it, kid. Far be it from me to rat you out to Big Brother."

Hannah settled back against the pillows, looking up at her brother-in-law, who stood just two steps away from the door. "You know, this is the longest conversation we've had since the accident."

"You want to have a long conversation?" He challenged.

"What if I said yes?"

"I got work to do." He shook his head at her. "Stay in the bed. Adam's been through enough, alright."

"Hmmm, and what about you?" She asked. "You've been through nothing at all?"

"Lay off it, Hannah." He fumed and turned to go. "Daniel said he'd come for the plate so no need for you to get up."

"Good talk!" Hannah called cheerfully after he'd left, but even as she lifted the plate to eat her lunch, she knew that Brian was in deeper trouble than he or his brothers would ever admit.

***7***

Brian was right about one thing though, Adam had certainly been through enough, so Hannah left her worries over Brian alone for the next few days. It was two weeks after the accident that she finally dared bring the topic up. She was, of course, sitting on their bed, while Adam sat with Katy on the floor, playing with her tea set.

"Delicious." He said taking a sip of tea while Katy giggled, pouring more invisible tea into his cup. "Here," He held out a second cup. "Pour this one for Mama." He brought the cup to her and she sipped it much to Katy's delight.

"You make the best tea, Buggy!" Hannah told her daughter, but by then Katy had lost interest in tea and was instead pushing around her pile of stuffed toys.

Adam turned to her, "So, what did you do today?" He asked with a grin. It was his favorite question to her of late.

"You are such a jerk." She said throwing a pillow at him.

"Jerk." Katy said to her stuffed toy.

"Oh!" Adam exclaimed. "Good job, there Mama." He rose and moved to sit on the edge of the bed facing her.

"You have taught her some impressive vocabulary yourself, Cowboy." She admonished.

"That was Brian."

"Speaking of . . ." She began.

"What did he do now?" Adam asked, moving to sit beside her.

"Nothing." She sighed, deciding that now was as good a time as any. "Honey, I am worried about him."

"You worry about everyone." He pointed out.

"That's true, but lately, especially Brian. He's been on edge for ages, and since that accident . . ."

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to say that word around me." Adam interrupted. He took her hand and rested against his chest. "Feel that. My heart rate just doubled. I swear, Girl, I can't even think about it."

"Apparently, neither can Brian." She turned to face him.

"What do you mean?"

"When's the last time you saw him talking to me or playing with Katy?" She asked nodding toward Katy, who toddled toward them, holding onto the side of the bed.

"I dunno." Adam paused to reach down and pick up the small girl, setting her on his lap. "We've been pretty busy with . . ."

"Darlin' you are busy with something, but I think this is serious. Crane said he came home drunk yesterday."

"Well, that's not all that . . ."

"On a Tuesday night?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "He is drinking more, and pulling away from us."

"I don't know." Adam sighed.

"God knows, I don't want to put any more stress in your life, but Adam, I'm worried."

"Well," He began but could think of nothing to add. "I guess . . ." He paused again. "Well, I'm worried too."

"I know that." She said resting her head against his shoulder, as Katy reached up and patted her father's face.

"Dada." She said. "Dada."

"That's right, Katybug." He said kissing her.

"You are everyone's Dada." Hannah said looking up at him, but he leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"Not yours, Darlin'." He grinned at her. "Stop stressing about it, Hannah. You know I've been worried and you aren't telling me anything that I don't already know. It's my burden, anyway."

"Mine, too."

"Eat!" Katy demanded.

"Oh, missy is hungry, huh?" Adam asked. "Okay. Dada's on top of it." He rose lifting Katy up with him, but first he held her out close to Hannah. "Give Mama a kiss." He commanded and the toddler obeyed.

"I'll be right back with your supper, Mrs. McFadden. Stop fretting and read one of your books while you wait."

"Don't boss me, Boy." She teased him with a grin.

"Don't sass me, Girl." He left the room chuckling to himself, but inside, he felt everything she said pile on top of all his own worries. It wasn't hard to recognize that Brian was in trouble.

***7***

CRANE McFADDEN settled back in his saddle, bringing his horse alongside his brother's.

"Well, that's frustrating as hell." He said observing the downed fence line. "We just fixed it last week."

"We'll probably be fixing it next week, too." Brian told him. "I swear this place is falling apart."

"No, just this section of the fence." Crane said, trying to calm his brother, who seemed slightly agitated.

"Today. Tomorrow, it will be something else." He sighed, and glancing around pulled a flask from his pocket, taking a swig. "Don't you ever get sick of it?"

"What you drinking there, Bri?"

"Oh, shut up, Professor. It's 4:30 in the afternoon, and hot as hell." Brian said before turning his horse and riding off to begin the work on the fence line.

Crane hesitated before joining his brother. He pondered his next move. _Should he confront his brother?_ It seemed that lately, Brian always had a flask nearby, but he didn't want to fight with Brian, either. Fighting with Brian was EXHAUSTING and usually left him completely rattled. He _hated_ disagreements of any kind. Brian's temper was legendary - and Crane was pretty sure he didn't have the strength for it just now. _Another time_ , he thought to himself. _It is after 4 and it is a pretty small flask. It isn't anything to worry about._ He rode toward the fence line, and hopping down, joined his brother with the task at hand, hoping that it would all blow over soon.


	4. Chapter 4

HANNAH McFADDEN let the wind blow through her hair and couldn't help but grin as she and her husband road toward town. "I can't believe it!" She exclaimed.

"I could take you anywhere today and you'd be overjoyed." He laughed. "Wanna go to the feed store?"

"I wouldn't mind it one bit." She agreed. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I am sick of that ranch."

"Well, four weeks staring at the same four walls will do that to a person. Although, you did get a color tv out of it."

"Like sitting around watching episodes of McGuyver is going to replace real life." She shook her head. "I'm so happy right now."

"I'm glad." He smiled and leaned over to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'm taking you to dinner at this real nice place, and then, yes, I will sit through _Out of Africa_. And I think you should keep in mind the kind of sacrifice I'm making for you because the only thing I've heard about the movie is that it is REALLY LONG."

"Oh! This is the best day, ever!"

"You know, though, if you get to feeling too tired. We can always head back home and skip the movie. I don't want you overdoing it. You need your rest. And I know how much you will worry about Kate."

"Why would I worry about Kate? She's with your brothers! There's no one I trust more. And 'you need your rest' is my least favorite sentence on the planet! Daniel and Katie will have fun, but I hope he remembers to feed her. He gets so preoccupied by playing songs for her."

"That little girl LOVES music!" He laughed. "Lord, I hope she doesn't want to follow in her uncle's footsteps. I can't take the stress of _that_ twice!"

"I am so grateful I married into a house of brothers who are willing babysitters." She laughed.

"That's not what you told me, when you _first_ found out you'd be living with seven men."

"I didn't see the upside just then." She grinned up at him, wrapping her hands around his arm. "Sometimes it just takes me a minute."

***7***

The movie was interminably long, and Adam had lost the plot somewhere back. He glanced down at Hannah expecting her face to be upturned to the screen with a rapturous smile. This was her kind of film; lots of talking and feelings. He was surprised that she was so still, and then he heard it; a soft snore, and he had to cover his mouth to prevent himself from laughing out loud. He nudged her gently, and leaning low, whispered in her ear, "Enjoying the movie, Girl?"

"Is it over?" She asked, yawning.

"Not quite, darlin'." He couldn't help but laugh, and was rewarded with a shush from a lady in the row behind them. "Hey, you want some ice cream?" Ice cream was her greatest weakness.

"Oh, yes!" She smiled. "Now?"

"You sure you don't want to see the end?" He whispered.

"I don't think it'll be a happy ending and beside, I read the book." He took her hand and ignoring the angry glare the people around them.

"That might be the LONGEST movie, ever!" He said when they stepped into the lobby.

"It was romantic." She said half-heartedly. "Well, the book was better."

"You say that every time we got to a movie that was once a book. You are always disappointed." He kissed her. "Would a milkshake comfort you?"

"No, but a sundae would."

Driving back to the ranch later, he felt perfectly content. The horror of the crash was over. She had diligently endured bedrest, and been given a clean bill of health. The jeep which had been totaled had, amazingly, been well-covered by insurance, and they would be picking up it's replacement next week - a newer and bigger version, and had even been granted a rental which they were all stunned to discover was a huge Range Rover. His brothers injuries had healed nicely, and Guthrie had just recently been willing to get behind the wheel again. All in all, they had survived.

"So, you don't want to find out?" She asked him, interrupting his thoughts.

"No. I mean, how many times in life are surprises good?" He asked her. "And beside, Mark and Cari were told it was a boy, and then Amy arrived."

"Well, that's true."

"Why? Do you really want to know?" He asked her.

"Only if they were positive about it. I'd hate to have my first thought be, 'you were supposed to be someone else'. It is not the best start."

"Well, I guess we will just have to wait and see." He smiled at her. "I'm over the moon either way."

"Me, too. I am just grateful." She leaned contentedly against his shoulder.

He should have known. Life had taught him over and over and over that happiness and contentment were always fleeting. He should have expected trouble, but he didn't and found himself blindsided by it.

The house was dark when they returned even though it was still early. The'd gone to the earliest showing of the movie, and so it wasn't even nine yet. He felt it then, as though the molecules in his body could feel trouble before his brain processed it.

"Why didn't he turn on a light?" She asked, as he helped her down from the runningboard of the Range Rover. "There's no way Katy fell asleep _this_ early."

He had this powerful urge to protect her; to tell her to go back and wait in the truck. They walked up the front steps together, and he wanted nothing more than to grab her by her arm and take her back to the truck and say, "Wait here."

They could hear Kate wailing by the second step, and she shot ahead of him, somehow able to nearly run at six months pregnant. He was just a clip behind her.

"Hannah, slow down." He warned but knowing it was in vain. He shot up the stairs, assuming that Katy was in bed, but she turned toward the kitchen, her ears better tuned. He doubled back and pushed open the door just a second behind her.

Katy was alone, in her high chair, red-faced and sobbing. Seeing them she threw out her arms, and Hannah, flustered couldn't seem to get the highchair undone, as Katy's wail rose in pitch and fury.

"Adam!" Hannah's voice was unrecognizable, despairing and panicked.

"We got you sweetheart." He said opening the highchair as Hannah lifted Katy out. She clung to her mother's neck, sobbing even still.

"She's soaking wet." Hannah said looking up at him with huge blue, tear-filled eyes. "How long has she been here? Where's Daniel?"

"I didn't see anyone. I'll . . . I'll . . .Is she okay?" He asked, his hand rubbing circles on his little daughter's back. Her shirt was wet and her skin sticky. "Let's . . ." He began but he could see Hannah's pale face looking up at him, and he reached out just in time, pushing her into a chair. "Sit down, hon. Hey, easy now." He lifted Katy out of her arms, as Hannah white-faced, collapsed into the kitchen chair.

"I . . .I . . ." She started, her breath coming in quick clips. "Adam . . .I . . ." 

"Put your head down." He told her, his hand on the back of her head, gently pushing down. "She's okay. Just breathe for a minute."

"What's going on? Crane stood just inside the backdoor, his eyes wide and worried.

"Where the hell is Daniel?" He found himself shouting.

"He took Elizabeth out." Crane managed. He looked from Hannah to Adam and back again. "What's going on?"

"Why did he go out? He was watching Kate!" Hannah shouted this, unable to contain her fury. The sound of her voice, angry, startled Kate, who had just begun to settle down, and her tears increased again.

"No, he got a call after you left and Bri . . ." He didn't even finish the sentence, understanding dawning on him. There was a moment of utter stillness except for Katy who's tears had subsided back down into hiccups.

"Let me have her." Hannah demanded, her arms outstretched toward Kate. She made soft shushing noises, kissing Kate's cheek. Then she slowly rose, Adam automatically, wrapping his arm around her in support. "She needs a bath." Hannah said, sniffing and wiping her own eyes.

"Okay." Adam said, his own voice hollow in his ears. "Let me walk you up the stairs."

"I'll go check the barn." Crane said, resigned. "Maybe . . ."

Hannah broke away from Adam, and holding Kate in one arm, hugged Crane to herself, kissing his cheek. "I am so sorry that I screamed at you." She apologized, tears falling again. "I am so sorry."

He squeezed her shoulder. "Don't give it a second thought. What do you need?"

"Nothing. I'll give her a bath, and make sure she's . . ." Her voice stopped, overcome with emotion, and Crane kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry, Sis."

***7***

"Maybe I should call the doctor?" Hannah asked.

"I already did." Adam told her. They were in their room with Kate on their bed between them, bathed, dressed and wrapped in a blanket, she slept. "He's on his way."

"Thank you." She said, and he was surprised by the emotion in her voice. "She seems okay, but . . . she fell asleep so quickly."

"I know and she seems find, but . . . and also, I was a little worried about you, too." He reached out and put his hand on hers.

"I'm fine." She told him, gazing down at the sleeping child between them, her hand running back and forth on the little girl's back. "I mean," She looked up at him, and the look in her eyes leveled him, "I'm _not_ okay, but . . ."

"Yeah." He crossed the room, sitting down beside her and wrapping his arm around her. She leaned back against him, and he could feel her body tremble as she cried.

There was gentle knock at the open door to the room. He turned to see Daniel, who had returned home earlier. "Doc just pulled in the drive." He told them.

"Oh, good." Hannah said sitting up and wiping her eyes. "Daniel, come here."

He hung his head, took one step inside the room. "Hannah, I am so, so, sorry!" He told her for the fifth time that night. "I'm just. . . I am so sorry."

She rose, and crossing to him, put an arm around him. "You didn't do anything wrong! You expected him to take care of her! And like you said, Guth and Ford were both sill home. _You_ didn't leave her home alone! You left her with three people!"

Daniel turned and hugged his sister-in-law tightly. "I'm sorry all the same." He said, kissing her cheek and releasing her. "I'll go let the doc in, okay."

Adam nodded at him, and reached out for Hannah's hand, pulling her back toward the bed. "Sit down, or better yet, lie down beside her."

Surprisingly, she complied, stretching out beside their daughter, her body turned toward the sleeping girl. "I'm okay." She told him, but there wasn't anything in her voice or tone that made him believe it.

***7***

"The baby is just a little bit dehydrated, and already is showing signs of a diaper rash." The doctor told Adam. The two of them stood in the living room surrounded by every brother except Brian. "You already got her drink those first two bottles, so I don't see a need to admit her, but really keep a close eye on her for the next few days. I'll come back out tomorrow evening and check again."

"What about Hannah?" Crane asked.

"Her blood pressure was a little high, but I think that's understandable. I think she should spend the weekend in bed." He told the group.

"She was thrilled about _that_." Adam told them. "I sure appreciate you coming all the way out here, Doc."

"Oh, that's no problem at all. Just remember, every time she wakes up, give her some water and some of that pedialyte I left with you. Actually, do the same with Hannah. She's had quite a shock and that pedialyte will balance out her electrolytes, too."

"Thanks Doc," Crane said, his brothers agreeing. They walked him to the door.

"Well, those girls are in good hands, and both will be bossing the lot of you around in no time." He said and with a nod, left.

They all turned toward Adam, who was opening his mouth to say something when the phone rang. "Get it would you, Crane? I'm worn out."

Crane answered the phone, and Adam sat down where he was, which was on the first step of the stairs as heard Crane ask, "Well, is he alright?" They waited in silence as Crane finished the phone call, but no other words were discernable to Adam.

"Hey," Crane said gently, and he was surprised to find Crane crouched in front of him, his brothers flanked around him. "Taylor has Brian."

"He crashed the truck?" Adam asked without looking up.

"Well, sort of. He drove it into a ditch, I guess. He's not hurt, and Taylor will keep him. He says that he's going to have face some charges this time. Taylor told me to tell you to leave Brian where he is. I guess Doc had to call him and tell him about everything, too, but he'll keep that part of it quiet, I guess. But Brian crashed the truck on Main Street, so there's no hiding that."

"Okay." Adam said, and rising slowly went upstairs without another word.

They stood where they were in silence for a long minute, stunned that their older brother left them without his customary words of wisdom.

"What are we gonna do?" Ford asked.

"Go to bed." Crane answered. "It's late. And Dan'l and I will cover morning chores. Guth can you cover breakfast?"

"Sure." Guthrie said. "No problem."

"I'll help." Ford said. "But what about Brian?"

"I dunno." Crane confessed. "This isn't forgetting chores, or putting a ding in the truck."

"He just left her." Guthrie said completely shocked. "He just left her sitting in her highchair."

"That's what it looks like." Crane answered.

"This is my fault." Daniel told them.

"No, it isn't!" Guthrie interjected. "I was here. She called and you told her no. Brian _offered_ to watch her. You didn't even ask him!"

"But they asked _me_." He told them. "They didn't ask Brian."

"This kind of thinking will get you nowhere, Dan'l." Crane said, putting his arm around his brother's shoulders. "You didn't leave her alone, and this isn't your fault. Hannah and Adam both told you that already." He sighed. "Nothing can be fixed today. This is something we are just going to have to work our way through, alright. Katy is fine - the Doc said so."

"We all gotta do a good job with the house, and making sure Hannah rests." Daniel said.

"No problem." Guthrie answered.

"Alright, so since we can't do anything tonight, why doesn't everyone get to bed. It's late, and this day has been long enough." Crane told them.

They all went upstairs, and Crane went back through the house, turning off lights. He paused in the kitchen, which Ford and Guthrie had cleaned. The highchair was on the back screened porch. They'd scrubbed it down and left it out there to dry. All evidence of the evening erased from the room. He clicked out the lights, and checked the front door, pausing just outside Hannah and Adam's room. He was surprised to find that both Guthrie and Ford had dragged sleeping bags onto the floor.

"You want me to kick them out?" Crane asked Adam who was sitting up in bed, the dim light on one lamp illuminating him. Ford sat up, ready to protest, but Adam held up a hand.

"Nah, can't blame them." He shrugged. "You can sleep in here, too if you want." He chuckled.

"They asleep?" Crane asked indicating Katy and Hannah, lying beside Adam.

"Yeah, these girls are tuckered out."

"You must be, too."

"Too hopped up on stress to sleep." He shrugged. "Just been reading, and trying to keep it together."

"Yeah." Crane agreed. "We got morning chores and everything else. You guys can take it easy."

"Thanks, brother." Adam said. "Got get some sleep, huh?"

"You, too." Crane left the room surprised to watch his older brother lift a copy of _Out of Africa_ and begin reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Adam McFadden gazed down at the truck. "Well, that might finish the old girl off." He said to Crane.

"She's tough as they come." Crane responded with a shrug. "Daddy wrote her off more times than I can count, but somehow we always got her put back together."

"You fellas need a hand?" They both turned their heads as Pete Branton paused in his pickup alongside them. He was the 5th person to ask if they needed help.

"No, thanks." Crane answered. "We are just waiting on Billy."

"Alright, then. Tell Brian to take it easy." He tipped his hat and drove away.

"Well, I guess there's no secrets now." Adam said looking at his younger brother.

"It's a pretty small town, Adam." Crane pointed out. "There never have been."

"True that."

"What about Hannah?" Crane asked.

"Well, I dunno. She was too worried to be mad last night, and is inching her way back to feeling okay about Katy, but I don't know how she's gonna manage her rage." He sighed. "I don't know how I'm gonna manage mine."

"I don't understand it. Why would he just leave her?" Crane shook his head. "The only thing I can figure is that he was drinking and got . . ."

"I don't care how it happened." Adam said, his voice filled with rage. "I don't give a damn about that." He paused, trying to calm himself. "Look, you know I love Brian. He's my brother. But this . . . this I cannot ignore. I can't look past it."

"No." Crane agreed. "We can't."

"Hannah, can't even . . .she's got the most loving heart, you know that, but she's got a temper too. And there's no way he can just come back into the house like it was just another stupid mistake. Katy could've . . ." He turned away. "I can't talk about this. I get too angry and there's nothing to be done."

"There is something to be done." Crane insisted. "You know it."

"Crane, lay off. I didn't get any sleep last night."

"And you won't get any sleep tonight, either, I imagine. It doesn't change things. He's in trouble, and pretending he's not hasn't done us any good. We need to do something."

"Yeah, but I can't . . ." Adam turned back to face Crane. "It's my fault anyway. I pushed him to hard. He was sixteen goddamn years old. I didn't explain things or ask him how he was doing. I just expected him to drop everything and . . ."

" _You_ were seventeen goddamn years old." Crane pointed out. "No one asked you, either. Whatever you think you owe him, he owes you back times 1,000,000. You've bailed him out more times than I probably even know. But covering things up for him hasn't worked, and it's too late for that now. You are right. Hannah's as sweet as honey, and she genuinely loves him - though I can't figure why, but this isn't something that can be easily forgiven. It _shouldn't_ be easily forgiven. Maybe the best thing we can do for him, is the hardest thing, too. He _has_ to face it."

"Let's just get this truck out of the ditch." Adam said, seeing Jimmy pull up with his tow truck. "One damn problem at a time, okay?"

"Right." Crane nodded his head, but he reached out squeezing his older brother's shoulder.

***7***

Brian awoke with a throbbing headache, and sat up to discover he was in the holding cell at Murphy's, again. He glanced around to see if Miguel was locked up, too, but found he was alone. He and Miguel were usually the only occupants.

"Just me today?" He asked expecting to see Officer Donovan, the usual man assigned to the cell but was surprised to see Sheriff Taylor Jackson.

"Just you." Taylor told him.

"Miguel must be out of town." Brian looked up at the sheriff. "I don't suppose you could get me a cup of that." He indicated the coffee cup in Taylor's hand.

"Feeling bad?" The sheriff asked, taking a long sip of coffee.

"Not great." He shrugged, and offered his usual boyish, charming grin. "I'm surprised I'm here without Miguel. That old drunk . . ."

"Right. He's the drunk."

"You know you could bring me that coffee and things would be a little easier to take just now."

"I could." He paused. "What do you remember?"

"Oh, Lord." Brian moaned. "Where's Bill? He's usually here, and he just hands me a cup of coffee and lets me be."

"You crashed the truck."

"Great." Brian said. "I guess I had one beer too many."

"Your blood alcohol level was a lot higher than that." The Sheriff Jackson told him.

"How about that coffee?" Brian asked.

"Later."

"Look, I can see you got it in your mind to give me some lecture, but I was just . . . it had been a long hot day, and I probably didn't eat enough. It happens. I didn't realize that I was a little bit more worse for wear than I thought."

"What were you doing _before_ you went driving?" Taylor asked.

"What do you mean? I was home." Brian rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, I got a pretty terrible headache just now, and I appreciate your concern, but . . ." 

"You weren't babysitting?"

Brian looked up surprised. He could feel the color drain from his face, and his heart began to pound. He tried to think back over the night before but everything was jumbled and blurry. "No, Daniel was and then . . . I wouldn't ever . . . And Adam and Hannah were home, anyway and . . ."

"Look, I'm gonna get you that cup of coffee, and you can sit here and trying and work it all out. But you aren't getting bailed out this time. That might give you a clue to what you can't or won't remember just now. And I'm not some kind of monster, either, who leave you to suffer and wonder. You just gotta ask and I'll tell you about your niece."

"She wasn't in the truck?" Brian stood up gripping the bars of the cell. "I didn't bring her with me?"

"Nope." Sheriff Jackson said before turning away. "You didn't, thank God, I guess. She's safe now."

"What do you mean now?" Brian asked him. "What happened? I didn't take her."

"No, you didn't. You left her behind. Alone."

Brian stumbled backwards landing on the dirty floor of the jail cell unable to move or speak.

***7***

Guthrie leaned against the counter, waiting as Marley rang up Mr. Anderson's groceries. He couldn't help but grin as she worked. She was really pretty and he loved the way she would crinkle up her nose as she punched the buttons on the cash register.

"Have a great day." She told him, handing him his bags of groceries. They watched him leave and she turned back to Guthrie. "Everyone is talking about it."

"Well, it doesn't help that the truck is smashed right in front of Mrs. Tulley's yard."

"Another foot to the left, and it would be smashed in her living room. What are you going to do Guth?" She peered at him with beautiful, dark brown eyes.

"Me, nothing." He shrugged. "The question is what are the brother's gonna do."

"But Katy is fine?"

"Yeah. I don't think Adam and Hannah will be able to leave her with any of us anytime soon. She starts wailing if Hannah walks out of the room for a second. It is kind of . . ." He struggled here.

"It has to be just awful. Have you talked to her about it? She's got to be so furious."

"No, we dont', I mean, you know how it is."

"I bet you bring her tea every ten seconds, though." She smiled at him, and he smiled back knowing she did understand him.

"I get it, Guth. I know words aren't your thing, but sometimes a girl appreciates a guy _trying_ to say the things he can't say." She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I guess." He shrugged. "It won't change anything though. Everything is pretty much a mess."

"What's gonna happen?" She asked again.

"I really don't know. He can't just come home. There's no way that's gonna happen. _I'm_ too angry so I can't imagine how Adam and Hannah feel. And things are really screwed up." He sighed again. "Let's eat dinner at your house tonight?"

She smiled at him, and shook her head. "Sorry. I'm working until 7. Beside you can't avoid it. And anyway, you know Hannah needs you."

"I guess. I'm not looking forward to it. When's Mr. Danner come back from lunch? How long can I hang out here?"

"Not long enough." She said smiling at him sadly.

***7***

Home was tense. He felt it as soon as he walked in the door. He had seen the truck in the barn, and knew that Daniel was trying to put it back together. He could hear the banging sounds as Daniel hammered out the front fender. He went into the kitchen and found Hannah at work at the stove. Katy clapped her hands from her playpen and called out, "Gutty!"

"Hey kid." He said lifting her up as she clung to his neck. "You watching Mama cook?" He kissed her cheek, trying not to think of her alone in the dark kitchen.

"You are home late." Hannah said.

"I stopped by the store." He told her.

"How is Marley?" She asked with a smile.

"Don't tease." He said, blushing. He sat down at the table with Katy on his lap. "Can I give her a banana?"

"That's fine."

"Do you need help with supper?" He asked, as he broke off pieces of banana feeding it to his niece. He was surprised when instead of responding, Hannah sat down at the table in the chair to his right.

"Guthrie," She began, her dark blue eyes serious.

"Hannah, we don't need to . . ."

"Oh, I think we do." She interrupted. "This stressful for everyone. These are your brothers, and your house."

"Yours, too." He responded fiercely.

"I know that." She said. "But I know you are worried, but you don't have to do chores and watch me, all the time. I am alright."

"No, you aren't. No one is." He said angrily. "You don't tell lies, Hannah. Don't start now."

"No, that's not what I mean. I mean, we will find a way to be okay. Things are just really bad right now, and I know it causes you stress. You can talk to me."

He sighed. "I know that." He said softly.

"Okay." She said reaching across the table and rubbing a hand across his cheek. She rose and went back to the stove. "There are brownies if you can't wait until supper." She told him.

Guthrie sat where he was. He felt miserable. He watched his niece gleefully devour the banana, smiling as she did. He could see Hannah, out of the corner of his eye, cheerfully making dinner for him and all his brothers - well, all but one of his brothers. He wondered about Brian, too - alone at the jail. He felt such a conflicting mix of rage, grief and love. He rose suddenly, and kissing Katy's forehead lowered her back into the playpen, handing her a toy as he did. Immediately distracted, she turned away from him. He stood where he was for along moment - Katy beside him in the playpen, and Hannah, her back to him at the stove.

He took a step forward, nervously, and standing to the right of Hannah said, more forcefully than he intended, "He's a drunk and I'm so sorry that Ford and I left. I would never, ever, EVER leave Katy alone. And I can't . . . I don't want to see him. I'm too . . . Hannah?" He stopped as dropping the spoon in her hand, she covered her face with her hands, crying. "Hannah, I'm sorry." Maybe Marley was wrong. Maybe talking was a bad idea.

Hannah turned and wiping her face with a towel, wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. "I know that Guth. You love Katy and if your brother had been thinking clearly he would say the same thing. You know he loves this family." She pushed back but kept her hands on his arms. "I am angry, too and I am so scared to think what will happen when I do see him, or when your brother sees him. But he's in trouble. He's been in trouble for a long time."

"Yeah." Guthrie agreed. He dipped his head low, embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

She smiled up into his face, he was taller than her now. "Oh, well, I can cry all the time nowadays." She shrugged. "And I was crying because you are such a good brother to me." She kissed his cheek and releasing him, turned back to the stove. "Go on, and have a brownie."

"Yes, ma'am." He responded, but paused to kiss her cheek before darting out of the kitchen and across the yard. Adam had joined Daniel and they were both staring at the truck.

"Has it breathed its last?" He asked them.

"Too soon to tell." Daniel told him. "I think I can put her back together."

"If you can't, no one can." Adam said, reaching out and ruffing Daniel's hair, as Daniel ducked trying to avoid it. "What you doing? Chores?"

"Bout to start. Checked in on the girls first." He grinned.

"Stole a brownie is more like it." Adam said with a smile. "They doing alright?"

"Hannah's cooking." Guthrie shrugged. "I'm gonna check on that baby goat first. He said turning to leave them. "Ford is still in town. He's got a late tutoring session."

"If Mike graduates, it will be because of Ford's hard work." Daniel said.

"If Mike graduates, it will be a miracle." Guthrie laughed. "Tell Hannah I won't be late."

Adam nodded and then turned back to Daniel. "Alright, just let me know what you need. Hopefully, it won't break the bank."

"At least there is a bank these days." Daniel offered.

"Proof that miracles exist. I guess there's hope for Mike then." Adam left Daniel to his work, and crossed the yard taking the back steps two at a time. He entered the kitchen to find Hannah on the phone.

"Dada!" Katy stood up, her arms lifted up to him. He scooped her up, kissing her cheek. "Katybug!" He said and danced with her in the kitchen.

"No." Hannah said into the phone. "I already told you."

Adam turned to her, his eyes wide with concern at her tone of voice. "What?" He asked but she brushed him aside. "I know you only get the one call. We've done this before."

"Give me the phone." He commanded, his voice filled with rage. She stepped back, her face white and handed him the phone, lifting Katy out of his arms as she did.

"I got like a minute left. I know I screwed up Hannah, but you guys can't leave me here to rot until Monday."

"Tuesday." Adam barked into the phone.

"Adam? What . . .Hey, man I was just calling to say how sorry I was and to . . ."

"To ask her to bail you out again. Why'd you call now? You know what time it is - you know we'd all still be out. You selfish bastard! You counting on her forgiving heart? You can stay where you are until your hearing on Tuesday."

"Adam, look, I . . ."

"Maybe you can sober up, for goddamn once. Don't you call us and you leave her the hell alone." He wanted to slam the phone through the wall, but instead hung it gentle on the hook. His movements, and his rage, highly controlled. He stood where he was, facing the phone, his back to her for a long moment, just trying to breathe.

"Well," He said, turning around to face her, trying to keep his voice light and cheerful. "You need help with supper?"

She opened her mouth to speak, stunned, and then shook her head, saying nothing at first and then finally managed. "I . . . I . . . could use a . . . nice tomato or two."

"Alright, Katy and me, will find you one. Right, Katybug?" He lifted his daughter out of his wife's arms, and fought the strong desire to pull her in close. He wasn't ready to talk and knew he couldn't trust himself to even meet her eyes directly, let alone allow himself to take comfort in the familiarity of her soft embrace. "Your pot's boiling." He said softly, nodding at the stove behind her.

"Oh," She turned from him, her attention diverted, and it was only as he reached the door, that she looked up saying softly, "Adam . . ."

"Later, sweetheart." He responded, his voice suddenly husky. "Let's have a nice dinner first."

She nodded, understanding, and he felt himself relax slightly. In spite of all his anger, confusion, guilt, frustration, and sorrow, he felt deep comfort that she not only loved him, but knew him well and understood him. He set Katy down in the garden, and holding his hand, he led her to find the brightest, reddest tomato they could. It was the very least he could do for his sweet wife.


	6. Chapter 6

Brian McFadden had been watching the house from the South pasture all morning. He couldn't bring himself to take one step toward it. There was no way that the first person he faced upon his return would be his big brother. He hadn't believed that his brothers were truly angry with him, until the morning of his hearing, when he found himself alone in the courtroom. He realized they were not coming to support him. Only Crane had slipped in just as things had begun. His younger brother sat in the back, rubbing his beard thoughtfully as the proceeding took place. After the ruling, but before they'd taken him back for all the paperwork, Crane had come striding up on his long lean legs.

"Glad you could make it." Brian couldn't hide the bitterness from his voice.

"Of course." Crane, responded calmly, not taking his bait. "You should be out in a couple of hours."

"Yeah, we know the drill." He'd relaxed then, thinking this was like all the other times.

"Brian," Crane said his voice unusually tense. "This . . . this isn't . . ." He sighed clearly struggling with the right words. "You left Kate alone. She was strapped into her high chair."

"I thought . . ." Brian began, the queasy feeling returning to his stomach.

"It doesn't matter what you _thought_ happened. It only matters what actually happened. She could've tipped the chair over and broken her neck. She could have . . .Look, you can't just walk back in and make a joke this time. This is serious. You are in serious trouble."

"Man, nah, I would never . . .look it was just . . ." He was reaching, trying to find a way to explain things, but by then he was being led away by the bailiff. He never got the chance to really explain things. He was unsurprised when he finally stepped out into the bright morning light there was no one waiting for him.

He had walked to the ranch, cutting through fields and woods whenever he could to avoid being seen. He watched the house all that day - seeing everyone come and go. He had wanted to walk up the wide porch and join in, but from a distance they seemed like strangers to him. How could he possibly return home to strangers? He had stopped in town for "supplies" and watching the house he lifted the bottle to his lips again and again, telling himself he would wait until dark, and then sneak back in. But he'd stayed where he was long after all the lights had gone out, and eventually, he slept, huddled in the field just beyond the ranch. In the morning, he was cold, hungry, and weary. He wondered if anyone had even asked what had happened to him. They knew he was out, Crane had been there. He hadn't seen anyone scanning the horizon for him. Crane hadn't even stayed to give him a lift home after he'd been released. He had become no one. He decided that it was time to go. He would just wait until they were gone, and get what he needed. It wasn't like it mattered to them where he went.

He intended only to pack up his clothes and go . . . he didn't know where, but he wouldn't stay where he was hated. As the dawn spread over the sky, he watched his brothers make their way to the barn, and Guthrie and Ford head to the bus stop. He had to step back into the bushes then, as they passed near him. His heart hammered in his chest as for the briefest second he thought Guthrie had seen him, but they had clambered up onto the big yellow school bus and he knew that she would be the only one home.

His intent was simple. Sneak in the back door, and avoid her if possible. Chances were good she'd be preoccupied with the baby or some chore or both. If he kept very quiet, he could pack up and go. He could send word later. Of course, it was breaking the agreement for his release, but it wasn't like Murphys had a huge police force. They didn't have the manpower to hunt him down if he skipped out. It would take forever for them to put everything in motion to catch up to him, and by then everything would have blown over.

He prayed the backdoor wouldn't squeak, and was relieved when it didn't. He made it up the back stairs, and began packing things up in his room. He was searching first for a bottle of whisky he'd stuffed into his dresser. He just need a little bit of courage to really leave. He got so focused that he never even heard her approach.

"Brian?" Her blue eyes were wide with surprise, and he felt the guilt wash over him, and had to look away.

"I . . . uh, got . . . out a little bit ago and . . ." He rummaged in his drawer, wishing he'd found the bottle before she'd found him. "I didn't know anyone was . . . uh . . . home." He gave up on the bottle, closing the drawer a little more forcefully than he'd intended. The sound of the slam startled her.

"Where else would I be?" He could hear it, the edge of anger in her voice.

"I'm not staying. You don't have to worry about that." He said, closing the drawer, and turning toward her. "I know that I screwed up and I . . ."

"Screwed up?" Her voice pitched up on the last word. "I'm not . . . I can't . . ." He glanced up then expecting fury and rage, but her face was cast over with sadness. "Brian, you are in trouble."

"You've been talking to Crane." He huffed.

"You can't do this anymore." She said her face earnest. "We have to do something different."

"Like what?" He asked bitterly. "Change how things played out? No. I screwed up. I get it."

"Brian," Her eyes grew bright with tears and he felt all courage leave him.

"Look, I'm just gonna pack up some things and I'll be gone. No need for anyone to be upset."

"Everyone is upset." He turned around startled to find that Guthrie was standing beside her in the doorway.

"Guthrie!" She said in surprise. "You should be at school."

"I got off the bus. I saw him. He was watching the place. And I knew Adam would be out and you'd be home alone. He did too. He waited until you were alone."

"No, I was waiting until the place was empty so I wouldn't bother anyone." Brian responded angrily. "I'm not some monster. I just messed up."

"You are a drunk." Guthrie said, and Hannah reached out to grab hold of his arm.

"Guth. . ." She said softly.

"He is." Guthrie glanced at her. "He promised me he would never drink and drive again. That's what he told me. You made me a promise."

"Guthrie that was a long time ago and I didn't . . . I wasn't that worse for wear. I had a few beers is all."

"That's all?" Guthrie's voice rose. "What about Kate? Huh? What about her? You were sitting in the front room and you told Daniel to go out. You said _you_ would watch her. You told Ford and me, that it was all good and you were too tired to go anywhere. And then you walked out the door and left her all alone."

"Guthrie, that's enough." Hannah said, pulling his arm. "Let's go downstairs. You are gonna wake Katy."

"Guthrie, that was . . . I just . . . I made a mistake, alright? I don't need everyone making such a big deal about . . ."

"Hannah?" Adam's voice called from downstairs.

"What did you do?" Brian turned on Guthrie.

"Ford went to find Adam." Guthrie said coolly. "We are up here." He called down.

"Sweetheart, did you . . ." Adam came up the stairs followed by Crane, Daniel and Ford. He stopped speaking as he turned to see Brian. "Honey? You alright?" He asked, reaching out to touch her arm.

"Brian's home." She responded softly.

"I can see that." He said gently to her. He turned to face his brother. "Brian, you made it home."

It was the calmness of it that angered him. Adam welcoming him home. He hadn't bothered to come to the hearing, and here he was acting like . . . it made him angry; it made him sick. Adam acting like he was some sort of wise and forgiving parent. They ought to be screaming at him, or demanding that he apologize. He _should apologize._ He knew he couldn't do that. How could he possible say anything that would counteract what had been done? And it _was_ an accident. He hadn't _meant_ to leave like he did. He just _forgot_ he was watching Kate. She was so quiet in her chair, eating peaches. That was the last thing he remembered, feeding her peaches. She'd clapped her little hands and hummed happily. She loved all fruit. That was what he remembered her smiling, sticky face, and then he was driving to town to see if Becky was free. Someone had come home. Someone must have come home. He wouldn't have just left. He couldn't have done that. There must have been someone at home. That's the way _he_ remembered it. He couldn't have remembered it wrong, could he?

He looked down and saw that his hands were shaking. He pretended it was from fear, but he knew the truth. If he could just find that bottle they would stop shaking and he would feel better. Everything could be better if they would just leave him alone, and he could take a shot to settle his nerves. He'd had a tough weekend. He deserved it. He looked up and saw all of them, standing and watching him. His family; most of them anyway standing in judgement clustered around the open doorway.

"Well, thanks for the welcome home party." He said suddenly enraged. "It's nice you could show up _now_. Too bad you didn't make it to the hearing." He expected his brothers' anger to match his own, but they remained silent. The only change was that Adam wrapped an arm around Hannah, who still held onto Guthrie's arm.

"Let's go downstairs." Daniel said, breaking the silence. "We have something we want to say to you."

"No thanks." Brian shook his head. "I'm just here for my things, and I don't need . . ."

"Of course not!" Guthrie exploded. "You don't give a damn about us and . . ."

"Guthrie, hush, now." Hannah said, pulling him closer to her. "Brian, before you go, please?"

He sighed loudly. He had no choice. He would literally have to push a pregnant woman and his brothers out of the way just to get out the bedroom. She was staring at him with her damn, dark blue eyes and he knew he was in for whatever they decided to throw at him.

"Fine. Whatever." He bristled at them. "Let's get it over with."

***7***

They sat in a circle on the couches and chairs. He stood by the fireplace, his eyes darting around the room, not looking any of them in the eye. His eyes landed on the family portrait - the LAST family portrait they'd ever taken with his parents, and he shifted nervously.

"How about a drink, huh?" He asked. "You don't mind, do you? I've had a rough couple of days and . . ."

"It's 8:27 in the morning." Crane told him.

"Right." He chuckled. "It's five o'clock somewhere. Isn't it?"

"Brian," Adam rose from where he sat beside Hannah. "I need to . . I need to . . ."

"Oh, God!" He exploded at them. "You all gonna yell at me? Tell me how I screwed everything up? I don't need to listen to shit like this. I already know, alright? I get it. I'm the bastard who left his baby niece alone. Jesus! Like that's something I can sorry for? How? She could've . . ." He glanced at Hannah who was silent, but with tears streaming down her face. He took a step toward her. "What am I supposed to say to you?"

"Leave her alone." Guthrie growled.

"Guthrie, easy." Crane said, a hand on Guthrie's shoulder. "We aren't here to yell at you."

"Right? Then why the big gathering? To tell me how awesome I am? What is this?" Brian asked.

"An apology." Adam said, his voice even. Brian staggered back.

"Wh . . .wh . . .what?"

"You've been in trouble for a long time now." Adam said, his voice husky. "And I was too stubborn or stupid to see it." He swallowed hard. "We spent so much time making sure the boys were okay. There's never been time for you, and . . . well, I didn't do right by you. I screwed up." He glanced down, pushing the toe of his boot against the floor. "I turned away when you first started drinking, telling myself you just needed to let off some steam. Even those first times you get hauled into the jail, I just acted like it was normal." He paused again. "I'm . . .I'm just so . . ." Brian was stunned to see his older brother with tears in his dark eyes. Hannah reached out for her husband's hand then, and he watched as Adam clung tightly to her fingers. "I'm real sorry, Brian. I let you down."

Brian stood speechless, actually frozen and unable to respond. He had expected bitter anger. He expected yelling and rage. _This_ was the last thing he expected.

"There's a place near Angel's Camp and we got a spot for you." Crane was speaking now. "They have counselors and . . ."

"Rehab?" Brian found his voice, suddenly. "No. I'm not . . . it was just . . ."

"It 'just happens' all the time, brother." Daniel told him. "Your hands are shaking right now. Why is that? You need a drink? Pretending like it isn't a big deal is why we are here. Ignoring it is why this happened."

"So, I'm just some pathetic loser?" He asked, finding himself suddenly angry, again. "You pack me up and send me away?"

"You were packing to leave us." Guthrie pointed out. "You waited until we are gone, and snuck in the back door to pack up and disappear."

"You are such a kiss ass, Guthrie." He turned on his baby brother. "Every since she came. You are always sucking up to her like some pathetic . . ."

"Mama's boy?" Guthrie finished for him. "Damn, straight. Maybe we can think about why that is, huh? And this isn't about her, or me. This about you. This is about you drinking too much."

"You are a child." Brian spat.

"Guth and I are nearly as old as you and Adam were when they died." Ford said.

Brian turned, surprised. Ford was the quietest and never liked a fight. He never spoke up, unless someone pushed him to do it. It was surprising how loud his soft voice seemed.

"You were kids just like us." Ford continued. "And I gotta think that messed with your head. I mean on Friday you were playing football, and by Sunday morning, you were taking care of us. It was like the turning of a switch. It was all I could think about the day I turned 16. This, _this_ is how old Brian was when he started raising me. And we don't remember anything different - not Guth and me. You and Adam are all I know. You both made sure that all of us talked to that counselor, and brought Daniel back to her when he was having a hard time. You made sure that Crane had someone to talk to after that one bad week and he ran off. You took care of us. You still do, but you haven't ever taken care of you - neither of you."

"Ford . . ." He rubbed at his temples, his head throbbing. "I don't . . . this isn't . . ."

"You love Katie." Hannah said and he turned to find his sister-in-law standing in front of him. "You love her. You would never, ever do anything to hurt her. Never." Hannah's voice was fierce. "But you left her alone in this house."

"I'm sorry . . ." But she cut him off.

"No, I'm not looking for an apollogy. That's not why I . . . Brian, you were so drunk, you _forgot_ you were watching her. You forgot and she could've been hurt, and she could've . . ." Hannah stretched out her fingers, gently turning his face to meet her eyes. "She could've died."

"I know that." He said, suddenly sobbing. "I know. I'm so sorry. You can't know how sorry."

"I do." She answered him. "I know it. And you are gonna prove it, right now. You are gonna get in the jeep with your brothers, and let them take you to Brighter Futures because things have slipped past your control, and because we can't bear to watch it any more. I can't stand to see you suffer."

"I'm not a drunk." He said, but there was no force behind it anymore. "I'm not."

"No," Adam stood beside Hannah. "No, you are our brother." He reached up his hands on Brian's arms, pulling him close. "You are loved and we aim to make things right for you."

"We aim to take care of you, the way you took care of us." Crane said and he found himself surrounded by his brothers, a protective ring, encircling him, and he knew that he had to surrender.

***7***

"What did he say?" Hannah's voice was quiet, she lay beside Adam who had returned home late, and flopped exhausted into bed.

"Nothing. He must have been feeling terrible. He looked horrible by the time we got there. And I think he'd worked his way back around to anger by then."

"Yeah." She said softly, her hand rubbing gently back and forth across her swollen stomach. "I'm sorry, Adam."

"You're sorry?" He rubbed his face and then turning toward her said, "Baby doll, I ain't got one ounce left in me just now, so don't go being sweet to me. Be pissed off that my brother left your baby girl . . ."

"Stop it." She swatted at his shoulder. "It doesn't help. You know I am furious. Just close your eyes and sleep. Guthrie and Ford said they will do all the chores tomorrow."

"They've got school." He said closing his eyes.

"They are staying home." She reached out, her hand rubbing soft circles on his shoulder. "They wouldn't be able to concentrate, Adam. And neither one takes school lightly, you know that. They are hurting and confused. They need your reassurance. They need to be here together with all of you."

"And what about you?" He asked, opening his eyes to look up at her. "This has got to stir up some pretty painful memories."

"It's funny," She paused wistfully. "I was thinking about that last night when we were waiting for Brian to come home. I didn't know my father the way I know Brian. I can understand how it happened. You were kids, and it was a way to escape from it. It became a habit and then I guess it just took over." She shrugged. "I guess it could have been something similar for Daddy. I don't know. And this is different, Brian isn't violent when he's drunk."

Adam sighed, trying not to picture Hannah small and frightened, hiding from her father. He stretched up and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry, darlin'. If you had shut that trailer door on me, you might have done yourself some favors."

"Oh, stop." She said. "You are my whole world, and this is just a bad time. We get through bad times."

"What should I say to them?" Adam asked her. "Guthrie and Ford?"

"Oh, I don't know. You know them best."

"What would you have wanted someone to say to you?" He was leaning on his elbow now, peering in the darkness at the familiar lines of her face, one hand resting on her stomach.

She didn't respond right away, and when she did her voice was small. "That it wasn't my fault. That it had nothing to do with me."

"Yeah. That's right." He responded thoughtfully, and then turning to her said. "It wasn't your fault, darlin'."

She did not respond to this, but rather, grabbed his hand. "The baby is kicking." He was completely distracted by the wonder of it, and found himself smiling in spite of the horrible, grueling day. "I think it is another sweet, baby girl." He told her. "Or maybe I hope it is. What do you think?"

"Time will tell." She answered. "I'm not guessing."

"Hmm." He lay back and found himself staring at the ceiling. "I don't want to face another day like today, baby, but if I do, you sure better be at my side."

"It isn't your fault, either, Adam." She said softly. "It isn't your fault."

"Okay." He said, his arm covering his eyes. "That's enough. Time for sleep."

"Hey," She said, and he felt the bed shift as she moved, so that she leaned over him, gently pushing his arm aside. "I ever lie to you?"

"Hannah, don't."

"Answer the question, cowboy."

"No, ma'am." His response was soft, and he felt his eyes well up with tears even as he spoke.

"I'm not lying to you, now. You were 17 years old, and you did the best you could. You did right by your brothers and your parents, and this struggle of Brian's, is not your fault. It isn't." He nodded silently as he tried to fight back the raging ocean of emotion he felt. "But you bear the weight of it just the same." She continued, her soft hand resting against his chest. "And it is heavy." He nodded his head, too wounded for words, and she wrapped her arms around him, and he felt himself sinking not only into the comforting softness of her body, but the comforting softness of her consistent, faithful, unconditional love.

***7***

Brian stared up at the white ceiling above his head. The room was small, smaller even then he imagined a dorm room to be. He wanted nothing more to rise up out his bed, and make his way to town and to the nearest bar. He'd opened his door once, and a kindly counselor immediately asked, "Do you need something?"

He wanted to respond, "A good stiff drink," but instead shook his head and darted back into his closet-sized room. Staring at the ceiling now though, he realized that it was the first time in a long time that he'd slept inside an actual bedroom. It felt strange. It felt lonely. He closed his eyes and tried to focus his mind on the way the mountains stretched up and up beyond their fence line. He wanted desperately to drink. He wanted desperately to fall asleep. He wanted desperately to forget the look on his brothers' faces as they left his behind to try and recover what was left of his lonely life.


	7. Chapter 7

HANNAH McFADDEN looked up from where she sat at the kitchen table, as her brother-in-law, Crane stepped into the room.

"This isn't what it looks like." She said, holding a spoon in mid-air.

"More!" Kate clapped her hands together. "More!" She was sitting in her high chair beside Hannah.

"Well, it looks like you and Kate are splitting a bowl of ice cream at 9:30 in the morning." Crane said, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"Okay, well, then it _is_ what it looks like." She sighed, and fed Kate another spoonful of ice cream.

"I'm not judging you, if that's what you are worried about." Crane told her. He turned and reached into the cupboard to get a coffee mug. "You are pregnant, for one thing." He paused to poor himself a cup of coffee and then sat down at the table on the other side of Kate. "And I imagine you are fairly stressed right now." He took the spoon from her, and added a spoonful of ice cream to his coffee before handing it back.

"I wouldn't say stressed exactly . . ." She hedged.

"No, of course _you_ wouldn't." Crane smiled at her. "God forbid, Hannah McFadden should utter a word on her own behalf."

"Don't start." She shook her head at him, and then took another bit of ice cream. "I complain, plenty."

"Sure, you do." Crane laughed. "Adam'll be okay."

"I wish I could've gone with him." She confessed. "I mean, I just . . ." She sighed again. "He'll be alone."

"Well, I think it is probably better that Adam meets Brian alone. He might be ticked off still, and I think you've felt his wrath enough. Adam's right. You can visit next time."

"I'm scared to visit." She admitted. "I don't know what I'll say to him."

"Don't borrow trouble." He told her. "Wait until you are together again, and figure it out."

"You're right." She agreed. "I swing from compassion to anger and back again when I think about it all too much."

"Daddy always said, 'Less thinking and more doing.' Course, I think he was telling me to put down my book and help out, so it might not apply." He rose from the table. "Either way, though, ice cream is never a bad choice." He smiled at her and then added thoughtfully, "You've got a right to your anger, Hannah. Don't go feeling guilty over something that is just. He screwed up, and we were really lucky that it turned out alright."

"He is really hurting." She said, looking up at him. "Crane, you know he'd never have done what he did unless . . ."

"I'm just saying that you should feel badly about how _you_ feel. I'm not really kidding when I tease you about holding things back. You always put this family first - you have since your first day here. It is okay to speak up for yourself, and when Brian is thinking right again, he'll agree with me." He reached over to squeeze her hand. "And as for Adam, he's tough as those mountains. He'll be alright and you'll feel better when he's back home.'

"I just wish I was there with him, at least for the drive back home." She continued. "I don't like that he's alone."

"Adam can manage, and you'll be here when he gets back." He reassured her.

"Maybe I should save him some ice cream." She said setting down the spoon in her hand.

"Nah. He doesn't need any ice cream to comfort him. He has you." He winked at her, and then went out the back door to resume his chores, coffee cup in hand.

***7***

Brian sat silently across from his brother. They were at wooden picnic table that sat alongside a beautiful garden. He considered his older brother, trying to read behind his features, but as was generally the case, he had no idea what Adam was thinking.

"The family sends their love." Adam said. "They all wanted to let you know they are thinking of you and hoping that you are doing well."

"All of them?" Brian asked.

"Yes." Adam answered, sharply. "All of them."

"It seems to me that some of them might be a little ticked off at me." Brian offered, leaning back.

"You trying to start a fight with me?" Adam responded in frustration. "Don't call her out, like that, Bri. She's not here, for one thing, and she's been hurt by you enough, don't you think?"

"Wow!" Brian shook his head. "That's a pretty low blow brother, but I wasn't talking about her. You are right. She's not here. I was talking about you."

"Oh." Adam sighed.

The two brothers sat facing each other without actually looking at each other. Brian watched his older brother's eyes drift toward the mountains that ringed the rehab center.

"I can never tell what you are thinking." Brian finally said, breaking the silence. "Maybe that's why I poke at you like I do. I can only tell what you are feeling when you are mad."

"Well, that covers enough of my time." Adam responded. "So all of this is my fault?"

"Right." Brian said sarcastically. "The great and mighty Adam McFadden, savior of the family drove me to drinking." He shook his head.

"Well, it isn't like I gave you a ton of space for grieving." Adam confessed. "And you gotta admit, the second half of your childhood was pretty shitty."

"Yours too." Brian pointed out. "And you kiss your wife with that mouth?"

"They detox from alcohol and cursing?" Adam raised an eyebrow. "This place is impressive."

"Hell, no." Brian responded and then sighing heavily, he placed his palms on the surface of the rough table, leaning toward his older brother. "Look, I didn't want to be here. Hell, I still don't, but things were bad. I mean when I think of that night . . ." He shivered. "Actually, I can't remember anything. I remember telling Daniel to go, and then I remember waking up in jail. I didn't know about the wreck or anything else until Taylor told me."

"I don't know, Brian. I think I screwed this whole thing up pretty badly if you are sitting in some detox center."

Brian rose angrily. "Damnit, Adam! This isn't about you! This is about me! I'm here because I can't stop drinking. I would drink right now if you offered me a drink. I would! And I know that I ain't got any more chances! Hell, I'd drink even if I knew it meant I'd have to go back to jail. I want to be drunk all the time."

"But . . . I don't understand. Why? Is there something I could've done to . . ." Adam looked up at his younger brother.

"You like problems you can solve. That's what Hannah's always saying and she's right. That girl undrestands you, God bless her. This isn't simple, Adam. And it isn't like it doesn't run in the family. You know Grandpa was a drunk - Mama talked about it, remember?"

"But this is different. You've got reasons. I mean, we were barely hanging on there for so long and you were only sixteen years old."

Brian sat back down at the table. "And you were only seventeen, but you aren't a drunk."

"Brian, don't talk about yourself that way," Adam interrupted him.

"Why not? It's true, isn't it? I am the worst kind of drunk. I got so drunk that I left my baby niece home alone, crying in her highchair while I smashed the family truck in a ditch, and not once, NOT ONCE, did I think about Kate. Hell, even _after_ I knew what had happened, I was _still_ drinking and yelling at people how it wasn't my fault! You gotta really look at me, Adam, and stop trying to take the blame for it. This shit is mine. It belongs to me, and I can say it even if you can't; i'm a no-good, asshole drunk who nearly got your daughter killed, and then tried to blow it off when your wife called me out on it." He shook his head again. "And none of that has anything to do with me being an orphan. It has everything to do with me being a selfish, goddamn asshole."

Adam rose, and for once, Brian could read his older brother's expression. He could see the conflicting emotions sweep across Adam's face; compassion and anger, love and hatred.

"That's not . . ." He turned away from Brian staring at the hills. "Maybe this place ain't right. They got you thinking you are worse than Lucifer." He turned back to Brian. "Maybe you should just come home with me."

"Nah, man. They aren't the ones telling me that. It's me. I _know_ the truth, brother. You can't see it because even now - even when I broke your wife's heart and abandoned your baby girl - even now, you are still trying to take care of me."

"If Daddy were still alive . . ."

"I'd probably still be a drunk." He stood and faced his older brother. "Adam, you don't remember things right. You need to really think and really remember. When is the first time you remember me coming home drunk?" Adam studied his brother's face thoughtfully, and then his eyes grew wide as Brian continued. "Nah, man. You inherited this damn problem."

***7***

Ford McFadden climbed down from the hayloft just behind his younger brother. He was tired, sweaty and still had a pile of homework to do, but somehow he couldn't shake his concern for Guthrie.

"Guth, you wanna go into town?" He asked.

"What for?" Guthrie asked, pausing to recheck the tack.

"I dunno. We could grab a burger. We could see what Marley was up to."

"Hannah's already cooking dinner." Guthrie said. "She doesn't like it when we bail last minute."

"After then. We could get some ice cream."

"I got a pile of homework, and I bet you do, too." He turned to look at Ford. "Adam tell you to babysit me?"

"No." Ford responded, but then thinking back over his conversation with his older brother before he had left that morning. "Well, yes, but this is because . . .look, I'm just concerned, that's all. Things have been kind of sucky and I know you worry so . . ."

"Man, you don't need to treat me like I'm five." Guthrie said angrily. "I don't care. He's gone and I'm glad. If you want to worry about someone. Worry about Adam, or better yet, worry about Hannah. They are the ones broken up over him. I don't care. He can stay away forever." He stormed off toward the house, but didn't go in through the backdoor like he usually did. Instead, he went around to the front going straight upstairs.

Ford went in the back door and washed his hands at the kitchen sink. Hannah was in the kitchen with Katy near her in her highchair. Hannah had one eye on Katy, who was eating cheerios, and the other on the stove. She looked up at Ford. "Stir that for me, would you, Ford."

"Sure." He went over to the stove and stirred the stew. "That smells really good."

"Where's Guthrie?" She asked him as she handed the spoon to Katy.

"He went upstairs." He saw her look of concern as she furrowed her brows. "He's got a chem test tomorrow. You know him. It's 100% or nothing."

"Sure." She said, watching as Katy proceeded abandon the spoon and use her fingers to eat the applesauce. She rose and stood beside him at the stove. "You know I can tell when you are lying, Ford Michael?" She said to him.

"No, you can't." He shook his head. "You are bluffing." He grinned at her. "That's the oldest trick, Hannah. He's fine. He's just focused on that chem test."

"He's not fine." She told him, taking the spoon from his hands. "Would you set the table?"

"Sure." He said, glad to step away from her. She had an uncanny ability to read his mind. She _did_ always seem to know when he was lying. "Just five?" He winced even as he asked.

"Four." She responded without looking up. "Daniel has a date."

"What time will Adam be home?" He asked.

"He's on the road now, so maybe around 10." She smiled at him, but he could hear all the worry in the sound of her words. He turned back to the table, thinking how strange it would be to sit down with so few brothers at the table.

***7***

Adam McFadden didn't really like driving at night. He generally tried to avoid it. When he'd left, knowing this about him, Hannah had told him to consider getting a room for the night.

"I'll be fine." She said. "Then you could drive home in the morning. The boys can manage the chores for one day."

He had rejected the idea but as darkness fell, he began to wonder if it wouldn't have been a wiser choice. Driving at night made him jumpy, and he was distracted by the conversation that he'd had with Brian.

He hadn't expected the visit to be fun. He understood that facing Brian for the first time since they'd dropped him off two weeks ago would be uncomfortable at best, but he had expect the joint session with the counselor to be the most difficult. Instead, he found the session to be anti-climatic after his talk with Brian. He felt sort of numb as the counselor talked about various coping mechanisms and ways to support Brian.

He had left in a daze and had even forgotten to call Hannah so that after an hour of driving, he had to pull over and use a pay phone.

"I'm just calling to let you know, I'm on my way." He told her.

"It's gonna be really late." She said, and he could hear the worry in her voice. "Why don't you just stay."

"No, I am already on my way. I left about an hour ago. I just forgot to call before I left."

"Adam . . ." She began.

"Not now, sweetheart." He sighed. "I'll tell you all about it when I get home, okay. Quit, worrying and go put your feet up."

"Be careful." She said softly.

"I'm always careful, Girl."

His mind shifted from his complicated and difficult younger brother, to his wife. He knew she _would_ worry until he walked in the door, and so he opted to skip stopping for dinner and just kept driving. The last few weeks had been so hard on her; on them both. They had both been struggling with anger and guilt, and worry. He didn't like thinking about the bad timing of all this. She was pregnant and had recently managed a car crash. It made him nervous. Then again, worrying about her was easier than thinking about anything else.

***7***

"Don't worry about morning chores." Guthrie told Hannah as he stood in the doorway watching her lay Katy down in her crib. "We got it all covered."

"I hope so. I have no intention of milking those cows." She smiled at him. "You get all your studying in?"

"Yeah." He said. "I just have to finish some math."

"He might be home pretty late, and you've got those morning chores. There's no reason to wait up. I don't want you bombing that chem test because you were trying to keep an eye on me."

"What chem test?" He wrinkled his brows at her. "He's fine. He'll be home soon. There's no reason for worry."

"That's what _I'm_ telling you." She said. She leaned over and kissed Katy's cheek, and clicking on the baby monitor turned to head downstairs. "You want some cocoa?"

"I'm not four." He said following her down the stairs, but after this got no response he added, "Sure. Cocoa sounds good."

They found Crane in the kitchen at the stove, stirring a small pot. "I made some hot chocolate." He told them.

Hannah laughed at this. "I was just gonna make some." She turned to Ford who sat at the kitchen table with his books spread in front of him. "Guthrie's all done studying for his chem test." She told him with a raised eyebrow.

"My chem test was two days ago." Guthrie said, moving to sit at the table, as he pulled out a math book from the backpack that had been slung over his shoulder. "What is she talking about?" He turned to Ford.

"I guess I got it mixed up." Ford offered with a shrug, but Hannah shook her head, and turning to get some mugs out of the cupboard said, "I _always_ know Ford. Always."

At 10:30 she sent the younger boys to bed, under protest. "You don't have to wait up wit me, Crane." She told her brother-in-law. Daniel had come home at 10:00 and was fussing around in the kitchen while she and Crane sat in the living room. She was working on a blanket for the new baby and he was reading a book.

"How about this," Crane said looking up at her. "How about you go upstairs and wait for him in your bed, and I wait down here?"

"I'm fine." She told him.

"Me, too." He agreed.

"I guess we'll be fine here together then." She countered.

***7***

He pulled up to the ranch at 11:07. He would have been home earlier but had hit traffic around Stockton. He hated city traffic. It made him jumpy and frustrated him to no end. He had hoped that Hannah would have had the good sense to go to bed, but from the lights of the front room, he figured she'd stubbornly waited up for him.

He entered the house to find her sitting up, knitting while Crane snoozed on the couch across from her.

"Hey," He whispered, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

"Hey, yourself." She said, setting side her knitting and kissing him back. "You hungry?"

He shook his head. "Your support team?" He indicated Crane who snored just then.

"Yes. He waited up with me." She grinned.

Adam crossed the room, and gave Crane a nudge. "Hey, brother. Thanks for waiting up, but I made it home."

"Huh?" Crane rubbed his eyes. "Adam! About time! We've been waiting forever."

"I see that." Adam laughed and moved to sit beside Hannah.

Crane sat up. "So," He asked, "How is he?"

"Sober." Adam said. "I dunno. He's doing okay." He considered Crane. "He's cranky as hell." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"That doesn't sound all that different." Crane said. "What's he cranky about? He's not mad at us, is he?"

Adam glanced as he felt Hannah stiffen beside him at Crane's question. He turned toward her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. He kissed her forehead before responding. "No. At least not for sending him there, or for being the reason he drinks, either. I don't know. He's finding his way, I guess." He glanced at Hannah, who leaned against his shoulder. "I'm glad you weren't there."

"It was bad?" Crane asked.

"It was uncomfortable." Adam responded. "He's working his way through it, and right now, he is feeling a lot of things he hadn't been allowing himself to feel." Adam shrugged. "Least that's what the doctor said. But he's doing all right, and getting better each day, I guess."

"Okay." Crane said.

"We can all talk more tomorrow." Adam said, and nodding Crane rose.

"Right. She ought to get to bed." Crane nodded at Hannah.

"Thanks for waiting up with me." She told him.

"'Night."

Crane disappeared up the stairs, and they sat together in silence for a bit.

"Come on, Girl. You should be asleep already." He rose, and pulled her up.

"You must be hungry, Adam." She hesitated. "I can heat you up some . . ."

"No. Bed." He tugged her hand. "Come on."

He led her upstairs, only letting go of her hand to peek in on Katy who slept soundly in her little bed. They had turned the room that Evan and Ford shared into a nursery. Evan was on the road more than home, so Ford had moved to bunk in with Daniel and Crane - giving them the space they needed for Katy. Katy sighed contentedly in sleep, and he followed Hannah into their bedroom.

She sat down on the edge of the bed, and looked up at him with wide, dark blue eyes that radiated concern.

"Get in bed." He said, surprised that he sounded so harsh.

"Don't boss me, Cowboy." She arched an eyebrow at him. He moved to sit beside her.

"How about this?" He said glancing at her. "I promise to tell you everything, but only once you climb in that bed."

"You climb in with me?" She asked, considering.

He threw back the covers, and started pulling off his boots. "Yes, ma'am."

"Alright." She moved to her side of the bed, and climbed under the covers. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to just now." She told him, as he slid into the bed next to her. The only light in the room was from his bedside lamp.

"No, I want to." He said to her. "I just worry about you being up so late and . . ." He rubbed a hand over his face. "It's not like Katy's gonna give you an easy day tomorrow because she knows you were up late."

"Daniel said he'd watch her all morning, and Ford and Guthrie are covering chores." She reached out to run her hand over his cheek. "So, don't worry over me."

"Good boys." He said and she laughed. "What?" He asked her.

"I don't think Daniel would appreciate being called a boy, nor Ford and Guthrie for that matter."

"Oh, whatever." He lay back in the bed, and she scooted close to him, her head resting on his chest. "How's this one?" He asked running his hand over her stomach.

"Kicking." She sighed. "Your babies love kicking me."

"They get that from you." He said kissing her forehead. "You're wild, darlin'."

"So, it was pretty terrible?" She asked him softly.

He sighed, and after a long silence, said in soft voice, choked by emotion. "Yeah, Girl, it was pretty awful."


	8. Chapter 8

"What did he say?" Guthrie asked, leaning against the kitchen counter, and looking at his sister-in-law.

"I told you." She said, spatula in hand. "You know, you could talk to Adam, yourself."

"No. I gotta get to school." He shrugged. "It's no big deal. I was just talking."

"Guthrie," She began, "You should talk to Adam." Her tone changed, softening with compassion.

"Why? You told me everything. You said so." He moved to sit at the table. "And I don't want to be late."

She turned back to the stove and slid the last egg onto the plate before putting it on the table. She sat down beside Kate, who was happily destroying some scrambled eggs in her highchair.

"I thought you were sleeping in?" Daniel asked coming in the back door.

"Have you met your niece?" Hannah asked with a raised eyebrow. "She woke up at 4:30 this morning, chatting away like a magpie. Didn't you?" She said leaning close and kissing her daughter's cheek.

"Sounds like Guthrie." Daniel adding coffee to her cup before pouring himself a mug. "He _still_ doesn't sleep."

"You know they say intelligent people have the worst sleep history." Guthrie responded. "That's scientific fact."

"Probably written by someone who was a lousy sleeper." Daniel remarked. "You want a ride to school today, kid?"

"No. I love the school bus." Guthrie responded sarcastically. "Why?"

"I gotta go into town and mail off some paperwork." Daniel said. "And I don't mind giving you kids a ride."

"Oh, thank God!" Ford said coming into the room. "Mercy Farnsworth has got it in her head that we are meant for each other, and she keeps sitting next to me on the bus."

"Mercy is pretty." Hannah remarked. "What is wrong with that?"

"Two things," Ford explained. "We _aren't_ meant for each other, and she smells like onions."

"Oh, Ford." Hannah shook her head at him.

"She does, Hannah." Guthrie agreed. "And she really, really likes to talk about MacGyver. It's her favorite show."

"It's true." Ford said, nodding his head. "She gives a minute by minute breakdown of every single MacGyver episode she's seen and she's seen every single one."

"That show is stupid." Adam said stepping into the room, and grabbing bacon from the table. "That guy can't act." He turned toward Hannah. "Why don't you go back to bed? I can keep an eye on Princess, here."

"I'm fine." She said rising up from the table. "I'm pregnant not incapacitated."

"Well, I just figured you might like to actually get some sleep." Adam responded. "Plus, it would give me an excuse to sit around the house for once."

"Hannah doesn't sit around the house." Guthrie said sharply.

"I know that, Guthrie." Adam said, swatting his younger brother's arm. "She works nonstop, but that's not what I'm gonna do." He winked at his wife.

"You boys will be late if you don't head out soon." Hannah told them. The boys put their plates in the sink, and then gathered up lunches and backpacks before heading out the door.

"You need anything in town?" Daniel asked Hannah, and she handed him a small list.

"Thank you." She said. The door opened and closed three times before they all finally tumbled down the front steps. Hannah moved to sit at the table. Adam sat across from her with Kate now sitting on his lap.

"I didn't mean to infer that you . . ." He began, but she waved her hand at him.

"Guthrie is just upset." She told him. "I understood what you meant."

"I tried to talk to him this morning. He is so angry." Adam shrugged his shoulders. "Why don't you go up to bed. There's nothing needs doing this morning that can't wait. You look tired, sweetheart."

"You mean tired and beautiful?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"That goes without saying." He grinned at her. "Katy and me will be fine."

"Mama!" Katy said, as Adam kissed her cheek.

"Dada is what you meant." He told his daughter. "Go on, Girl." He nodded at Hannah.

Hannah hesitated. It _was_ tempting, but there were a million things left to do. The idea of climbing back into bed while the house was silent and calm seemed so enticing.

"I'm supposed to bring a cake to the women's auxiliary meeting. Marilyn Stone will frown at me for weeks if I don't."

"Marilyn always frowns. I'll call and tell her you won't be there." He said. "Honey, you sat up half the night with me, and I feel real guilty about that." He told her. "It would make _me_ feel better if you took a nap."

"Well, if it is for _your_ benefit . . . " She said laughing.

"I knew that would work."

***7***

Sleep was initially impossible. Her mind kept whiring back to the night before. Adam had been fairly silent at first, but she had simply waited. She found that this was her best technique when dealing with a silent, stubborn Cowboy; ask a question and wait.

" _Is he angry?" She asked at long last. "Was it terrible?"_

" _No. I mean, he isn't angry at us, exactly. I don't know how to explain it. He's different."_

 _She didn't ask different how, knowing that it would drive him back into silence. Instead she had continued to wait as he gathered his thoughts._

" _I was scared to see him. I'll confess it to you, darlin'. I mean, the last time I saw him, he was mad as blazes. He was so angry when I drove him there. And I didn't want to face his wrath, you know, but mostly I was scared that he would say it was because of me." His voice grew softer. "You know, because I screwed things up."_

" _Adam," She moved closer to him, her hand on his arm. "It isn't your fault. You did the best you could, and look at your brothers! They are fine men!"_

" _He's my brother, too, and he is a mess." Adam turned to look at her._

" _But it isn't your fault. He's grown and he makes his own choices." She was intensely defensive of her husband._

" _Easy there, Girl." He chuckled softly. "That's what Brian told me, too."_

" _Well, I'm glad of that. I would hope he'd take responsibility of it."_

" _You know, the very first time that I ever saw him drunk, I covered for him."_

" _You had a lot going on, and that makes sense, Adam."_

" _No, honey. It wasn't . . ." He sighed. "The first time I caught him drunk, he was fourteen. It was before Mama and Daddy died. He had lost a basketball game, and when I went out to do chores, he was sitting in the hayloft with a six pack."_

" _Adam . . ." Hannah was stunned by this. "But . . ."_

" _I had forgotten that." Adam told her. "I had forgotten that he was drinking before the crash. I covered up for him that first time, and for a few more times after, too. But Daddy knew and the Wednesday before he died, he and Brian had a big blow up because Daddy found out he'd stolen a bottle of tequila from his friend Benji's house. Benji's Dad found it missing and thought Benji had taken it, but Benji said Brian had taken it." He remained quiet for a long minute, considering. "It took me awhile to drive home because of traffic, but also because I had to pull over and just think, you know?"_

" _Oh, I wish you'd have let me go with you." She said holding tighter to his arm._

" _I just . . . all this time, I was thinking it was because of me, and something I'd done wrong. I mean it isn't like we spent a ton of time talking about how we felt about stepping in and taking care of the boys. I never even asked him, you know? I just told him what he had to do, and he did it."_

" _No one asked you." She pointed out._

" _They did, Hannah. Marlene, Mike, Ed, the counsel all of them asked me what I wanted to do, and they asked me how I was feeling about it, all the time. Marlene and Mike tried to talk me out of taking care of the boys. They kept telling me that I could still go to school, but Brian he just . . ."_

" _You really think Marlene never talked to him? Adam, I've only known her since we got married and I am confident that she tried to get him to talk."_

" _I don't know. I guess." Adam considered this. "I had forgotten about the drinking. I had forgotten how much he and Dad had argued over it. It was like the shock of them being gone washed all of it away, and it wasn't until today, when Brian reminded me that I even remembered."_

" _What does he say about it?" Hannah asked._

" _He just liked it - the feeling of being drunk. He was a stupid kid who liked going to parties and hanging out with his friends, but then all of the sudden our parents were gone, and he felt this tremendous responsibility. He quit drinking overnight back then. We were so caught up in surviving that there wasn't time for anything else, but that shock wore off and all of the sudden you are in the middle of this really . . ." He struggled for words, and she felt as if someone had reached inside her chest and pulled her heart out, her pain for him was nearly physical. "It was endless, you know? The first year was just outright shock, but later it was just so real. And we could see it stretched out for miles in front of us. I remember thinking that when Guthrie turned 18, I would be 33 years old. It seemed so old and so far away. It felt bleak, and that's when he started drinking again because feeling the reality of it all - that was hard."_

 _He glanced down at her, and squeezing her arm said, "Don't start crying, sweetheart. We made it through, more or less."_

" _Oh, Adam . . ."_

" _I missed it, you know? Of course, it was just a little bit, now and again. He didn't drink everyday in the beginning, he says. It was just a way to deal when things were really tough, well, usually after things had been really tough. It got to be a habit for how to deal with it. I missed it. I didn't notice him slipping away at night or maybe I just ignored it because it was . . ." He struggled again, not just because of the old familiar pain, but because it was nearly impossible to craft words that describe the bleakness of those days. "It was just so very hard, you know?"_

" _I'd change it if I could." She said softly, wiping tears from her eyes._

" _Me, too - if I had that kind of power I would . . . there's a pile of things I'd change." He replied emphatically. "But that's a miracle that can't be done, and it all fell out the way it fell out. I don't know, maybe I could have done a better job when he took up drinking again, or maybe I could've done a better job the first time - instead of covering it up. But none of it matters. It is the same thing with Mama and Daddy. We can try and unspool that day, and rearrange everything we did, but in the end, they still are gone." He considered her thoughtfully. "How do you explain it to yourself, sweetheart?"_

" _Oh, well," She was surprised by his question, but understood what he meant, too. "I don't know. I used to think it was because I wasn't a son. He really, really wanted a son, and then I thought maybe it was because he felt so trapped, you know - with Mama and me, and my sister. I would try to be really, really good, you know? I would do whatever he asked, or even try to see ahead and anticipate what he wanted. I fell all over myself trying to change it - trying to change him."_

" _It had nothing to do with you at all." Adam told her softly._

" _No. It didn't. It took me a very long time to understand that, and sometimes I still forget." She looked up into her husband's face. "It has nothing to do with you, either, Adam."_

" _I guess. I mean it also does have something to do with me. I could've been a better brother, maybe. I just . . ." He sighed and pulled her into his arms. "I didn't understand then, and I don't really understand it now. I just wish . . ."_

" _No one is a better brother than you, honey." She whispered._

It hadn't been a night for sleeping. They had talked and talked and cried, and then it was dawn and Kate was awake and happy to start her day. Lying in their bed now, it seemed that her mind was filled with all of it all over again. She never would have guessed that Brian drank _before_ his parent's deaths, and she'd never imagined Adam's parent's friends had once pushed him to leave his brothers behind and got to school. Wondering at those early days always left her feeling unsettled and anxious. She rolled to her side, and closing her eyes tried to sleep.

***7***

"What is the problem McFadden?" Robbie asked. The two boys were standing just outside the gym. "Make up your mind. You gonna show or not?"

"I said, I'll see." Guthrie responded angrily.

"Gotta check with Marley? She tell you want to do?"

"Right." Guthrie shook his head. "I got stuff to take care of, that's all. You finish your project for English?"

"School work?" Robbie laughed out loud. "Man, you are such a loser, McFadden!" He turned, but paused to shout over his shoulder, "I'll maybe see you later - if you get your homework done."

Guthrie wanted to give Robbie the finger, but knew that with his luck a teacher would pass by just at that moment. Instead, he turned away and went into the gym. He could feel an unreasonable tide of anger building up inside him. He wanted to smash something or hit something. He'd been irritable with Marley before their first class. Frustrated with his snippy replies to every question, she had told him, "I'm working today, so I'll see you tomorrow," and left without even a kiss. It was pretty much a lousy day all around. He couldn't explain his anger no matter how much Marley or Hannah asked. It was just an overwhelming feeling that was building up; that he wanted to go away. Robbie had told him that he was going over to his cousin Barney's place tonight. Barney was twenty and his parents had left for a cruise a couple days ago. When he'd asked Marley about going over, she had shook her head and said only, "Guthrie, it won't help make you feel better." For some reason this had increased his anger by one hundred-fold and he had snapped back, "I was just asking you, Marley! You want to go or not?"

He was still frustrated and thinking about Marley and the party while tackling his afternoon chores. He was NOT thinking about Brian at all.

"You pissed off at the firewood?" Daniel asked him.

"What?" Guthrie looked up.

"You're chucking it on the pile like it stole your tv." Daniel said. "Hannah wants to know if Marley is coming to dinner."

"No."

"Oh." Daniel nodded. "Woman trouble."

"Shut up, Daniel." Guthrie glared at him. "It's not that at all."

"Right." Daniel laughed.

"Actually," Guthrie said. "I'm gonna eat at Marley's tonight. She wanted me to come over there, so you can tell Hannah that."

"Tell her yourself," Daniel said, turning to walk toward the barn. "She doesn't like it when you cancel an hour before dinner. You know that. Good luck, kid."

 _Great_ , Guthrie thought. He _hated_ the thought of telling Hannah a lie, but something inside him kept pushing him in all the wrong directions. He waited until he was at the kitchen sink washing his hands.

"Hey, sorry I forgot but, uh, Marley asked me over to dinner so . . ."

"Guthrie!" She looked up from where she stood at the stove. "You didn't say a word about it this morning!"

"I know. I forgot and Marley is kind of mad at me about that so . . ."

"Now, you are in trouble with two women." Adam said as he handed a platter to Hannah. "Nice going."

"Look, can I go, or what?"

His brisk tone startled them both, but just as Adam was about to say something to him, Katy began to laugh and giggle to herself, which made both Adam and Hannah laugh.

"I'll expect you home by ten." Adam said as he lifted Katy out of her playpen and into his arms. "And apologize for taking that tone."

"I'm sorry." Guthrie sighed. "I'll be back on time. It's not like Marley's folks are gonna let me stay late." He turned toward his sister-in-law. "I'm sorry about the last minute notice."

"Don't make it a habit." She said, studying him, "You okay, Guth?" Her soft tone, disarmed him briefly, and he considered telling them the truth - that he felt angry and miserable and mixed up. Instead he darted away from her, moving toward the hallway and the stairs. She had this sixth sense sometimes - like she could read his mind. Talking to her right now felt far too dangerous. "See you later." He called over his shoulder trying to keep his voice sounding normal.

***7***

As soon as Guthrie went upstairs to change, Hannah turned to her husband. "What do you think?"

"Hannah . . ." Adam began. "You've got enough on your plate just now."

"Something isn't right." She told him.

"I agree." He told her. "But we don't have to figure it out just this minute."

"Hmmm . . ." Hannah turned toward the stove. "I don't like it."

"I don't either, Hannah Joy, but he will be at Marley's. Maybe she can help him sort things out."

"I hope so."

They heard his footsteps down the stairs, and then the slamming of the front door. He shouted,"Bye" over his shoulder, and they heard the truck roar to life and its rumble fade away in the distance.

"Trouble is coming." She said to her husband.

"Trouble never really goes away from this ranch." He remarked, kissing her cheek.

"Touble" Katy said, surprising them both.


	9. Chapter 9

Guthrie lifted the beer to his lips and drank it down. It tasted terrible. That is what he thought every single time he'd tasted his brother's beers. It smelled like smelly gym socks, but still he drained the bottle and reached immediately for another. He was pretty sure that there was no way in hell he would get away with any of this. Adam would most definitely kill him, but as a haze settled over him, all those horrible, uncomfortable feelings drifted away. He was floating free.

***7***

It was just after dinner that the doorbell rang, and Crane opened the door to Marley James who stood on their porch holding a pie.

"Hi," She said, smiling nervously. "I'm sorry I didn't call first, but I was hoping it was okay to come by."

"Of course," Crane told her, waving her inside.

"Today was kind of a bad day, and I just wanted to apologize to Guthrie. I was kind of impatient with him and . . ."

"Guthrie?" Crane interrupted, his brows wrinkled in confusion.

"Marley!" Hannah said coming to the entryway. "I'm glad you guys came over here!" She glanced around. "Where's Guthrie?"

***7***

"You are staying right here." Adam said to Hannah angrily. "Crane and I will bring him home. You stay with Katy."

"Adam . . ." She said, reaching to grab a hold of his arm as he reached for the closet to get his jacket. "He's upset."

"He's upset?" Adam turned toward her. "Hannah, he lied to you. He looked you straight in the eye and lied."

"Which proves just how much he's hurting!" She said. "He's sixteen years old, and confused and hurt. Just don't . . . don't . . ." Here she was at a loss for words.

"If he is drinking I'm gonna tan his hide." Adam told her. "And if he is drinking and driving . . ."

"If he is drinking and driving, I'll kick his ass from here to Sunday." Hannah told her husband. "But he is gonna need our compassion, too. I'm just asking you to remember that."

Adam shook his head at her. "Hannah, he lied to you."

"I know." Her answer was soft, and sad. Adam put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed, and then turned to his brothers who were gathered at the door.

"Daniel, you see Marley home, okay?" Daniel nodded at this. "And then get back here to wait with Ford and Hannah." He turned back to his wife. "I'm taking Crane with me, darlin'. Consider him my emergency break, huh?"

She nodded and reaching down, lifted up Katy who had been clinging to her legs.

"Don't worry, Hannah. I'll try and be the voice of reason." Crane told her with a wink as he followed Adam out the door.

"You don't fool me, Crane." She said, standing in the doorway. "Every single one of you has a temper. You quiet McFadden's are the most dangerous of all."

"Probably true, Sis." Daniel said, he gave her arm a squeeze and turning said. "Come on, Marley, I'll run you home."

"I can walk." Marley said for the third time. "I can cut across the Peterson's field. It doesn't take 20 minutes."

"Stop feeling guilty." Hannah said, putting her hands on Marley's shoulders. "Guthrie will be okay. He's just upset and confused." She hugged Marley to her, shifting Katy to her hip. "I'll make sure he calls you tomorrow, alright?"

"Yes, ma'am." Marley said softly, releasing Hannah. "I'm sorry all the same."

"Go on home, sweetheart." Hannah said. "I'm gonna call your Mama right now and explain things for you."

"Thank you." Marley said, and with a wink at Hannah, Daniel closed the door behind them both.

"Adam is probably gonna kill Guthrie." Ford told her. "You know that, right?"

"You aren't helping." She said with a sigh. "I better call Annabell. Poor Marley!" She turned toward the kitchen.

"Come here, Katy." Ford said, his hands outstretched toward his niece. "Let me read you a story about a nice calm, normal family." He lifted Katy into his own arms and took her into the living room.

"Not helping." Hannah repeated.

***7***

"You called Taylor?" Crane asked as they rattled along in the jeep.

"No." Adam said, his eyes on the dark road ahead. "I mean, I thought about it, but right now, I just want to get there. We can call Taylor when we get there."

"Maybe it isn't like we think." Crane offered.

"Right, they are all just sitting around the parlor reading the book of Genesis." Adam said. "I swear! Guthrie knows better!"

"Knowing and understanding aren't the same thing." Crane responded. "He's been so . . . I mean none of us could get him to talk - not even Hannah."

"Yeah, well, my compassion for poor, little Guthrie starts to fade when he's throwing back whiskey and driving his truck. I'm not making the same mistake twice."

"He's not Brian." Crane said seriously.

"And he sure as hell isn't gonna start to be either. Not on my watch."

***7***

He felt sick almost immediately which was pretty much a rip off. He'd had three stupid beers and whatever Joel had put in that red cup and his head was swimming. Everything was fuzzy and distant and he just wanted to get back home. He staggered out of the living room and onto the porch.

"Where you going Guthrie?" Barney asked, laughing.

"Hommme." Guthrie said. "You . . . I . . ." He leaned over the porch and threw up on the flowers that bordered the porch. "Sorry."

"Lightweight!" Joel called from inside. "Come back, Guth! I got another cup for you!"

"Nope!" Guthrie said as he tripped down the steps toward the yard. "I'll see you guyssss, later." He lifted his arm to wave, but it threw him off balance and he fell to the ground. Everyone behind him laughed, and then there was a sudden silence. Only Joel spoke, uttering a low, "Oh, shit!" He was just about to turn his head to see what was going on when he found himself looking up into the eyes of his oldest brother.

"Going somewhere, Guth?" Adam asked him, and Guthrie felt the world snap sharply back into focus.

"Yeah, I was just . . . I was gonna . . ."

"Make the biggest mistake of your life?" Crane asked, coming to stand beside Adam. He reached down and grabbing Guthrie by the arm, lifted him up. "How 'bout you just go get inside the jeep."

"I'm not . . . I'm . . ." He was about to explain he was alright again, but a wave of nausea swept over him, and he threw up on Adam's boots.

"Get in the jeep." Adam's voice was cold. "You all give me your keys right now." Adam said to the rest of the kids standing on the porch. "I swear to God, I'm not leaving this spot until every single one of you gives me your keys. You can come get 'em from me in the morning. Barney, you just decided to have a slumber party."

"Man, come on!" A voice called out from the crowd.

Adam turned toward the jeep. "Crane, take Guthrie home. I'm gonna call Taylor and get things sorted out here."

"I can stay here." Crane said.

"No. I'm too angry to deal with him. This is better. Just, promise me you'll take care of him. I don't want Hannah . . ."

"Yeah, no worries, brother." Crane glanced around the crowd. "Hey, Peter and Joel, get in the jeep. You both are on my way home." The boys looked at each other and then sighing made their stumbling way to the jeep. Crane looked at Adam. "I'll haul these boys home, and get Guthrie settled and come back."

"I've got the truck." Adam said pointing. "I swear, if they throw up in that jeep . . ."

"Figures, right? Finally got a nice new car." Crane shook his head and turned to climb back in the jeep. "See you later."

"See ya." Adam took the steps two at a time saying, "Alright kids, everyone inside." The screen rattled shut behind him, and he pushed his rage at his little brother aside as he dealt with a room full of drunk teenagers. "Line up kiddies. We are all calling home."


	10. Chapter 10

Crane helped Guthrie out of the jeep and up the stairs. Daniel was standing in the doorway holding the door open. "Whoa, little brother. You aren't looking so good."

Crane pushed Guthrie into the entryway where the family waited.

"Where's Adam?" Hannah asked.

"Adamsss mad." Guthrie slurred.

"Hannah is too." Hannah told him. "Can you fellas get him into bed?"

"We got him." Crane nodded at Daniel. "Adam is making sure everyone gets home alright."

"Took the keys away." Guthrie burst out as he lunged toward Daniel, who caught him, holding him by his shoulders.

"Good idea." Daniel said. He took Guthrie's arm and draped it over his shoulder. "How about we go upstairs?"

"Okay but shhhhhh!" Guthrie said in a loud stage whisper. "Don't wake Hannah! She'll be mad."

"Geez!" Daniel glanced at Crane. "How much did he drink?"

"I dunno. He's already puked once." They maneuvered him up the stairs together.

"Make sure he's on his side!" Hannah called up the stairs.

It took the both of them to get him into bed. They put a bucket near the bed - just in case, and Daniel piled pillows behind him so that he couldn't roll onto his back. He muttered from time to time, but most of it made no sense. He swung at Crane twice while shouting out, "Dolphins!", but nearly as soon as he lay down, he was snoring.

"He's gonna feel like hell tomorrow." Daniel said, sitting on Evan's bed across from Guthrie.

"Adam's gonna kill him." Ford said bringing a glass of water and putting it on the nightstand.

"I wouldn't be scared of Adam if I were him," Daniel responded. "He's gonna have to face Hannah."

"It won't be pleasant." Hannah said coming to stand in the doorway. "Did he throw up again?"

"No." Crane said. "He threw up pretty good at the party, and then I had to pull over once on the way home."

"Okay," Hannah said, biting her lip with worry. "I'll come and check on him in a little bit. I imagine it will be awhile before Adam gets home."

"I'll sit in here with him, Sis." Crane said seeing her worried expression. "You can wait up for Adam just as easily in your bed."

"I'm too fired up for any sleep." Hannah sighed heavily. "Your brother must be livid."

"I've never been so glad that I wasn't at a party in my life!" Ford told them.

"You knew about the party?" Crane turned on his brother.

"Everybody knows about those parties." Ford rolled his eyes. "They are a couple of burnouts. I can't believe Guthrie was stupid enough to go!"

"You ever been that dumb?" Hannah asked.

"No, ma'am." He said soberly. "And neither has Guthrie - until today."

"Good, because stupid is painful." Crane told him.

"I think little brother is gonna find that out soon enough." Daniel remarked.

"Tomorrow is going to be brutal." Crane agreed.

***7***

"Get up. Get dressed." Adam's voice seemed to reverberate off the walls, as Guthrie McFadden struggled to open an eye. "You've got 10 minutes to get downstairs."

It was tempting to pull the covers back over his head, but he knew Adam wouldn't leave him alone. He rolled over to rise, but a wave on nausea swept over him, and he had to wait. Gripping the side of the bed he launched himself upward, and the pounding headache seemed to multiply in strength. _Today was going to be awful._

Downstairs, he was relieved to see that it was late enough that most of the family was gone. He entered the kitchen to find Hannah at the sink, washing up the morning dishes. He had hoped to avoid her, but realized too late that she was there.

"Sit down." She said without turning around. "Drink that glass of water. There's two aspirin for you." She turned to face him, one hand on her hip. "You want some eggs?"

He felt his stomach churn at the very thought. "No, ma'am."

"Ma'am?" She raised an eyebrow at him before turning back to the sink. "Well, take those aspirin and then get your boots on."

"Where's . . ." He stopped as Adam entered the kitchen.

"Aw, there's our little genius now." Adam said sarcastically. "Take the aspirin, Guthrie." He turned to Hannah. "You get him to eat?"

"Nope." She responded.

"It's just as well. The jeep survived last night through some kind of miracle. It would be a pity if someone yaked all over it today." He poured himself a cup of coffee and stood leaning against the counter as Hannah put the last dish on the drying rack.

"There's food there." She said nodding her head at a bag on the counter. "And I think you should . . ."

"We've been over it, darlin'." He interrupted her. " _You_ , are staying put, and Guth and me are gonna take a little trip."

"Trip? Where?" Guthrie managed to croak out. "I'm not feeling too great and . . ."

"Not feeling great?" Adam asked, raising his eyebrows at Hannah. "Hear that sweetheart? Our boy doesn't feel great. What a pity."

"Adam," Hannah said shaking her head at him. "Don't be mean."

"Mean?" Adam lay his head against his chest. "Me? Listen, Girl, I'm not the one who lied to your face and let you spend 1/2 the night worrying over me."

"Adam, I was just . . ." Guthrie responded. "It was just a party."

"Right." Adam raised his voice, causing Guthrie to shrink back. "Hear that, honey? We've got nothing to worry about, it was just a party."

"Adam!" Guthrie turned toward Hannah. "Look, it was wrong, but it wasn't like I . . ."

"Was gonna get in the truck and drive home drunk?" Adam cut him off. "And stop looking at her. Look at me! You lied to her, and right now you are acting like we are the stupid ones for making such a big deal about it. Driving drunk is about the stupidest thing you could ever do!"

"Hannah, I didn't mean to . . ."

"Lie to me? Really?" She glanced at Adam.

"No, that was . . . I was just . . ." He put his head in hands. "Can't we talk about this later? My head really hurts and . . ."

"You've got a hangover." Hannah said simply.

"I know but . . ." He looked up at her again with wide, hazel eyes, hoping that she would remain his ally. "Hannah, it wasn't like . . . I was just blowing off steam, and lots of kids my age . . ."

"That's enough." Adam growled, but Hannah put a hand on his arm. She lay the towel she'd been holding in her hands on the counter, and moved to sit in the chair beside him.

"Guthrie, look at me." Her voice was soft, and he thought that at last, someone would show some compassion toward him, but he saw no softness in her eyes, only steel. "I love you. You know that, but this isn't . . ." She hesitated. "You aren't . . . this isn't like you. Have you ever lied to me before? I mean really looked me in the eye and told me a lie?"

"No." His response was nearly silent.

"No." She sighed. "I understand," She glanced behind her at Adam, "We understand you are hurting, and Lord knows, I've tried and tried to get you to talk to your brother, or to me, but you refuse, and then you lie to my face and get drunk."

"You are just being oversensitive because of Brian." He said, surprising himself with the coldness of his tone. "You don't understand."

"Guthrie James McFadden, you gonna keep acting like this is no big deal? You gonna sit there and lie to me again?"

"Oh my God!" Guthrie rose up suddenly furious. "You think you know everything? You think you know me? You aren't my mother! And quit acting like I'm some kind of alcoholic loser! I went to a party! I got a little drunk! Just because your father was . . ."

He felt Adam's fingers digging into his upper arm, and realized that he had gone to far, and yet still an anger welled up within him. "Let go of me!" He tried to wriggle free of his brother's grip.

"Get a jacket and get in the jeep. Wait there." Adam's voice was brittle with rage. "Now! Guthrie!"

"Fine!" He turned from the both of them and grabbing his jacket, slammed the front door.

***7***

"I'm fine." She said looking up at him, but her eyes were filled with tears.

"Sweetheart," He moved to sit in the chair Guthrie had just left empty.

"I told you it would be bad." She shook her head. "Didn't I?"

"You did." He agreed softly. "Which is why you are staying here." He reached out with a gentle hand and rubbed her cheek. "I don't want to leave you just now."

"I'm fine." She repeated and wiped the tears from eyes. "Katy will be awake soon. I better get some chores done." She rose and turned to go to the tiny laundry room, but paused to look back at her husband. "He didn't mean it. He's just angry."

"It doesn't mean it isn't hurtful." He said rising and going to her, pulling her into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry."

"You've got nothing to be sorry for." Her voice muffled as she nuzzled in tight against his chest. "Adam," She pushed back enough to look up into his face. "You should get a hotel and stay the night. There and back in one day is too much, and I don't want to sit up worrying."

"How about this?" He asked her. "I'll call you later today, and we can discuss it. Let's see how things go first."

***7***

It was an uncomfortable drive for many reasons and not the least of which was that Guthrie genuinely felt that he might die. His pounding head, and churning stomach were not a great combination for a road trip. He had expected Adam to rage at him when he'd come out to the jeep, but he had just put a duffle bag on the back seat, handed Guthrie a thermos and started driving. Guthrie wanted to ask where they were going but that would open the door to more talking, instead he slumped against the seat.

"You should drink that. It's just some cold water." Adam said after they had left Murphy's behind, and turned onto the highway. "You'll feel better if you do."

He didn't respond, but later he took a long drink of water. He kept his eyes closed and his head back to avoid seeing the world rush past the window, and to avoid conversation. Adam seemed more than content to drive in silence, never even glancing Guthrie's way. They rode in silence for over an hour, but it became apparent that he was going to have to stop soon. He _hated_ that the first words he would speak to his brother since the terrible start this morning would be telling him he needed to use the bathroom. It was pathetic.

"Hey, Adam . . ." Guthrie tried to sound casual.

"You gonna yak?" Adam asked without looking at him. "There's a bag in the glove box."

"No. Could we, uh, could we stop so I can use the bathroom?"

"Next rest stop." Adam answered. "Unless we just need to pull over this second?"

"I can wait." It was a _mostly_ true statement, but by the time they finally did pull over, Guthrie wanted to run to the restroom. He was grateful it was empty because he did throw up again, nearly wetting himself in the process.

Adam was leaning up against a stone table when he finally staggered back out into the sunlight of the parking lot.

"Guthrie James McFadden," Adam remarked. "You look like hell."

"I gotta be honest, I feel like hell." He admitted.

"Honest, huh? That'd be a nice change." Adam's voice was cold.

"You gonna preach at me?" Guthrie felt anger again. "I _know_ you went to a few parties when you were in high school."

Adam didn't respond to this, but standing up said, "We should get back on the road."

"Why? Where are we going anyway?"

"Get in the jeep."

"And what if I don't?" Adam had been walking away, toward the jeep, but turned back to Guthrie as he spoke.

"You want to do this?" Adam asked. "You wanna throw a fit right now? Your head has got to be pounding, and you'll puke if you even try to run. You think I can't _make_ you get in that jeep?"

"Whatever!" Guthrie said and brushing past his brother climbed back up into the jeep. The silence continued for the next hour. He was determined to never speak to anyone again, but it was as they turned off the highway and onto a country road that Adam finally broke the silence.

"My senior year I was pretty much a jackass twenty-four seven." He began. "I was so prideful about getting that scholarship and early admission. I was gonna leave town and be a BIG DEAL." He chuckled at the memory. "I didn't listen to anything Dad told me. I was so convinced that I knew better. Anyway, I went to this one party, and was so drunk. They had this terrible "punch" that everyone was drinking. I don't remember anymore what was in it, but I tell you to this very day, the smell of rum makes me want to throw up."

"See! I told you . . ."

"Anyhow," Adam interrupted Guthrie loudly. "It got real late, and I knew that it was time to head home, but I also knew that driving home would be _really_ stupid. So, I finally broke down and called Dad and he was mad as hell at me. I mean I could feel his anger just vibrating off him."

"What did he say?"

"One the ride home?" Adam asked, and Guthrie nodded, regretting the move almost immediately. "Nothing. He said nothing at all. Sent me to bed, made me take aspirin and drink water."

"Did he chew you out the next day?"

"He didn't get the chance."

"Why not?" Guthrie asked, suddenly curious.

"Well, when he woke me up the next day, it was to tell me that my friends Scott, Peter and Buck hadn't called their folks and had decided to go ahead and drive home. They smashed into a tree over on Mason Way. Scott was killed on impact, but Peter and Buck survived. Buck broke his leg, though, and blew his chances for a football scholarship."

Guthrie thought about responding with sarcasm. _Thanks for the Afterschool Special_ , but glancing at his older brother, he thought better of it. He was in enough trouble already. He glanced up and seeing the sign up ahead of them, groaned.

"Are you kidding me?" He turned to Adam.

"Listen kid, you wanted to try your hand at drinking. I figure you might as well talk to an expert, right?"

He pulled the jeep to a stop right under the Brighter Futures sign.

"Are you serious?" Guthrie turned toward Adam. "It was one goddamn party!" 

"You lied to Marley. You lied to me. You lied to Hannah. You nearly climbed into that truck and drove yourself home, and then you said horrible things to your sister-in-law this morning. So, yeah, I'm completely serious."

"This is the stupidest thing you've ever done! Talk about a serious over reaction! Get ready for a big shock, Adam: Teenagers drink sometimes! You are making a big deal over something . . ." He waved his hands around. "And what about all those other kids at the party? Is anyone else dragging them on some god forsaken roadtrip to a rehab center?"

"Probably not." Adam remained calm. "Then again, I'm not responsible for any of them. You, on the other hand, are pretty much stuck with me. And you aren't listening to me, or talking to me right now, as Hannah pointed out, so maybe you should talk to your other parent."

"What the hell is _he_ gonna tell me?" Guthrie responded, wide-eyed.

"Only one way to find out." Adam said, opening the door to the jeep and stepping down.

***7***

 _Author's Note: Happy Holidays to all! Nothing is more festive than an intoxicated little brother with a temper, right? Wishing you and yours a lovely holiday season!_

 _Also, I agree with those who say that it is difficult to picture Brian a true alcoholic. This story was more of a what-if kind of a thing. I was NOT a fan of the singing and dancing but 7B47B had some surprisingly complex characters for the 90s. I found a copy of the original script awhile back, and it was clear in the character descriptions that you could see the impact of the loss of the parents on all the boys - but especially the oldest three. Adam's sharp temper - his attempt to control the uncontrollable world around him, Brian's lack of attachment - dating lots of girls and drinking a little too much, and Crane's obsession with the finances - trying to use his intellect to protect the family were all there. Ironically, the character descriptions also pointed out that the brothers always had each other, while Hannah on the other hand had lived a pretty solitary life - especially after her mother's death so that she was the one who had lived a large chunk of her life as an orphan._

 _All of which is to explain, why I've treated Brian so badly. Perhaps the holiday season is causing me guilt over this._


	11. Chapter 11

"So, you thought you'd give being the family trouble-maker a go." Brian said as Guthrie stepped into the doorway of the small space set aside for family visits. "Or you checking yourself in?"

"I see you talked to Adam." Guthrie spit back.

"Well, he does talk to me. Not everyone takes my calls." Brian shrugged. "You wanna sit down?" He indicated the couch to the left of the chair where he sat.

"I don't want to be here."

"I picked up on that." Brian responded and then fell silent.

Guthrie considered Brian thoughtfully, "You cut your hair."

"Yep." Brian said, running a hand over his close-cropped hair. "Sometimes you gotta change something on the outside to show how much things have changed on the inside."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Guthrie folded his arms across his body. "You gonna swear you'll never drink and drive again? You made that promise already."

"I did." Brian responded.

"Whatever!" Guthrie huffed, rising. "Where's Adam? I get it. I got drunk at a party and everyone is pissed off at me. Message received, alright."

"You think you are here because of the drinking?" Brian's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Pal, that ain't why you are here."

***7***

"She's sleeping." Crane said into the phone. "She was pacing around all night waiting for you and up at dawn, so Daniel snagged Katy, and I sent her back to bed. It only took us until about one this afternoon and I swear if the phone woke her, I'll strangle you."

"Good. Thanks, Crane." Adam sighed.

"So he is talking to Brian right now?"

"Yep. I fled the scene. That boy is pissed as hell!" Adam rubbed a hand over his face. "And Brian's none too happy with our baby brother so you might be able to see the fireworks from there."

"I can't believe he got drunk!"

"You should have heard him at breakfast - explaining how we are all over-reacting idiots. I should have dragged his ass over to Brian last week, and saved us all some grief."

"Well, you can't think of everything." Crane told him. "Listen, Hannah made me swear that if you called I would tell you to get a hotel room and stay the night. She doesn't want you driving home. You haven't really slept either."

"She mentioned it once or twice before I left."

"She's right, Adam. I mean, I'd feel better if you waited until tomorrow. Daniel, Ford and me can manage, and Evan's gonna be home next week, so whatever gets missed we can pick back up. You are tired, and Guthrie's a pill. You don't want to be responsible for her missing more sleep and spend more time worrying. That can't be good for the baby."

"You are such a jerk." Adam sighed. "It's not that I don't want to listen to her or you. It's just . . . she's got a check-up tomorrow morning."

"Oh." Crane considered this thoughtfully. "Look, I'll take her in or Daniel if she wants. I know you'd rather be there, but I promise to get all the facts straight from the doctor, okay?"

"She isn't dishonest." Adam explained. "It is just that she doesn't like to me worry."

"I know that." Crane answered. "She might leave out details if she felt they were unnecessary."

"Exactly." Adam responded. "She hasn't mentioned the appointment once because she is hoping I won't remember."

"Well, man look, we got this, and you can focus on little brother."

"Sure. Thanks, Crane. Tell her I'll call her around 7 or so - if she's awake."

"I will." Crane promised. "You take it easy, Big Brother, and call if you need backup."

"You just keep an eye on my girls. Thanks, Crane."

"No problem. We'll see you tomorrow."

***7***

"What's that supposed to mean?" Guthrie turned toward Brian. "I got drunk and Adam dragged me here."

"No, Adam dragged you here to deal with the _reason_ you got drunk."

"The reason?" Guthrie shook his head. "Oh, God! What? You gonna analyze me now? You got short hair and a PhD since I saw you last?"

"Last time I saw you, you were yelling at me." Brian pointed out.

"So, what," Guthrie slumped back into the chair. "We gonna talk about our feelings now? Is this our official therapy session?"

Brian sighed. "You got something you want to say to me?"

"Yeah," Guthrie rose up again, fists clenched. "Goodbye." He stormed out of the room, and straight out the front doors of the rehab center. His fury pushed out across the parking lot and into an open field. He could hear the sound of Adam's voice in the background. He realized that he'd rushed right past him, but he didn't turn around, and he didn't look back. He kept moving at a near run, until he came straight up against a river. It was too full for him to cross, so he stood where he was facing the roaring water. He felt, rather than saw Adam's approach, and groaned out loud.

"Why won't anyone just leave me alone!" He said without turning around.

"Maybe because we care about you Guth." Adam responded gently.

"You do?" Guthrie spun around. "He does?" He pointed back toward the rehab center.

"He does." Adam said softly. "You know he does. He's just been in a bad place, that's all."

"Right. You are gonna cover for him, again. And if Katy had died? Would you be standing here pleading his case?"

"Katy . . ." Adam began but his voice broke. "What happened there is between Brian and Hannah and me."

"Right, like it doesn't affect me at all? Jesus!"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. Of course it affects you, too. Brian is . . ."

"A drunk, and Katy is _my sister_!" Guthrie growled. "He didn't . . .I don't understand why he left? Why?"

"Look, Guthrie," Adam put a hand on his younger brother's shoulder. "I don't know the answer to that. I can't help you with any of that, but he," He indicated back toward the rehab center. "He can."

"I don't ever want to talk to him or see him again." Guthrie's voice was quiet steel.

"Ah, man," Adam sighed. "Guthrie, I am so sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong! Why are you apologizing?"

"I didn't do a good job of protecting you, or helping you out. I should've . . .well, I should've done a lot of things." He rubbed his face with his hand.

"Like what?"

"I should've gotten you some help sooner. I should've intervened."

"Help? I'm not the one who needs help! What are you even talking about? He's the one! He's the one who makes promises he doesn't keep! He's the one who nearly smashes his car into a house and leaves Katy all alone and . . ." He looked up at Adam. "Ford and me cleaned up the highchair, you know? It had all these dried up pieces of peach just stuck to it like cement. It took forever, and it doesn't matter anyway you can't even pull it up to the table without her screaming. She remembers, you know?" He broke off seeing the expression on his older brother's face. "I'm sorry. You don't want to think about . . ." He broke off and turned to stare out toward the river. "I just kept thinking how long it would take for those peaches to dry out, and I don't know. I just feel so angry and . . ." Here he stifled tears. "And sad. I just feel so sad and I don't know what to do."

Adam pulled him against his chest. "You talk about it, Guth." He kissed his brother's forehead. "I'm so sorry. I know you feel badly. I know you are hurt."

"I'm not . . . It is Katy I'm thinking of and you, and Hannah." He protested.

"Buddy, listen, I know you are, but you are hurting for yourself, too."

"Nothing happened to me." Guthrie continued.

"Yeah, it did." Adam's voice was gentle. "It's pretty hard to realize that your parent has a drinking problem."

***7***

Katy toddled on unsteady legs toward the pen that held the baby goats. She would clutch her mother's leg for balance every few steps. They walked together into the dim light of the barn. Hannah pulled an apple out of her pocket and lifted it up toward Chance who's nose flared at the sweet smell of a mid-morning treat.

"Hey, there, beautiful." She said to the horse who reached over the pen to steal the apple from her palm. "How' my fella?"

"Up!" Katy demanded, and leaning with a groan, Hannah lifted Katy up and set her so that she stood on a stacked bale of hay, her tiny fingers reaching to pet Chance's mane.

"Mama can't be picking you up, Katy Girl." She said, keeping one protective arm around her. "You are too big a girl."

She turned toward Chance, and sighed. Truth be told she _really_ missed riding. She understood that it was a temporary consequence of pregnancy, but she loved going out riding. Of course, since Katy had been born she'd had less time to just go out for a ride, but still it was something she missed. She loved the feeling of absolute unfettered freedom, and loved to explore every inch of the ranch that she'd come to love so much. She patted Chance's face, and reaching into her pocket pulled out another apple.

Katy had grown bored and had carefully climbed down from her perch, at first crouched in a squat studied the ground, trying to pick up tiny pieces of hay. She looked up when a shadow loomed over her, seeing him first.

"Dada!" She shouted with glee, and jumped up into her father's arms.

"Katybug!" Adam said joyfully, kissing her cheeks. He glanced over at Hannah, who turned toward the two of them with a wide smile.

"You're home!" She said and he pulled her into his arm, shifting Katy to one side.

"We are." He leaned in, kissing her.

"Where's Guthrie?" She asked glancing around.

"He wanted to take a shower. He's had a rough couple of days." He kissed her again. "So, what did the doctor say?"

She smiled mischievously. "He said everything is fine."

"What? That's it? Why are you smiling like that?" His eyes grew wide. "Hannah Joy McFadden! You KNOW!"

"It wasn't on purpose. The nurse thought I knew!" She said. "And how can you tell?"

"You got no poker face, darlin'!" He smiled at her. "Well?"

"Well, what?" She smiled back at him, and stepping away from his embrace she turned toward the doorway of the barn. "Guthrie will be hungry when he gets out of the shower. I better fix something." She glanced over her shoulder. "Aren't you going to tell me what happened?"

***7***

(Earlier . . .)

"You came back." Brian said as Guthrie stepped into the doorway of the room.

"You finally got your own room." Guthrie remarked looking around the small room that held only a bed, dresser and desk.

"Yeah."

Guthrie crossed the room and looked out the window before sitting down on the bed. "I shouldn't run out. That's little kid stuff."

"Nah. You are mad."

"Mostly, I'm just . . ." He looked up at Brian who still stood by the door of the room. "I just don't understand. Is it because I screw up sometimes?"

"God! No!" He stepped closer to his brother. "Nah, man. Guthrie, you are a great kid. It . . ." He sighed and sat down in the chair at the desk. "It doesn't really have anything to do with you. I mean it does because it hurts you and everything, but it is just . . ." He sighed again. "I don't always manage my feelings very well."

"Yeah, _that_ I understand."

"I know you do." He moved to sit beside Guthrie on the bed. "Adam and me, we talk a lot about heritage - you know, so you boys remember Mom and Dad. We want you to have strong ties to your past and sometimes I think we forgot that we are part of your past, too." He paused thoughtfully. "And Guth, this part isn't something I want you repeating. You have to learn how to cope with things that make you feel bad. You can't run off and you can't get drunk."

"You gonna lecture me?" Guthrie said, but there was no heat behind it.

"Yeah. I am." He nodded his head. "I might be a drunk, but I'm _still_ responsible for making sure you grow up to be the kind of man that Daddy and Mama would be proud of."

"Well, maybe you should look in the mirror when you say that." Guthrie said, but it came out gently, like a wish.

"I'm working on it, brother."


	12. Chapter 12

Hannah McFadden lifted her face to the warm sun. In the rarest of moments she found herself home alone with just Katy to keep her company. She had laid a blanket on the grass in front of the house, and lowered herself to the ground, soaking up the late spring sunshine. Katy happily played with a doll that Daniel had given her - picking flowers and laying them next to it. She chatted away happily, occasionally bringing her mother flowers, and weeds.

"Mama!" Her tiny voice filled Hannah's heart with joy as Katy lay flowers across her swollen stomach. She rubbed her stomach absently. At eight months pregnant she generally felt tired and awkward, despite her sweet husband's declarations of her beauty and grace. She closed her eyes briefly, promising herself that she would sit here for just a few minutes more before tackling chores and meal preparations. She wanted to lay back on the blanket and drift away to sleep, but a lazy afternoon nap wasn't something she could fit into her schedule or her responsibilities.

The warmth of the sun began to lessen and she recognized that this quiet peace should soon come to an end. _Just five minutes more._ She thought to herself. Katy's happy chatter, which had been a steady background to her daydreams, changed in pitch and even before she opened her eyes, she knew someone else had joined them. She opened her eyes just as Katy began to chant happily, "Bri Bri!", clinging to her brother-in-law's legs with one hand and stretching her other arm up to him. "Up! Up!" He glanced at Hannah nervously, but unable to say no to his tiny niece, he lifted her up into his arms.

"Brian!" She said shocked to see her him standing in front of her. She glanced around. She hadn't heard a car. No one had said anything about him leaving rehab.

"I'm not AWOL." He said to her, as though reading her thoughts. "I've got a day pass, and one of my counselors agreed to drive me. He dropped me off at the end of the drive."

"Adam isn't here and he didn't say anything about . . ." She stammered in surprise.

"He didn't know I was coming, and it wasn't him I came to see."

He shifted nervously even as Katy patted his face chanting, "Unca Bri! Unca Bri!"

"You cut your hair." She said, without thinking, too stunned to formulate a complete thought. She wished then that she wasn't sitting on the ground. There was no dignified way to stand and tall as he was, she felt awkward trying to talk to him from where she sat on the ground.

"Yeah." He ran a hand over his closely cropped head. "It seemed like the right time for a change." He swallowed hard, and she could feel his anxiousness. "Hannah, look I . . ."

"Hey, listen," She said, interrupting him. "I know you probably came to see your brothers, but they are up at the high country. They should be back in a few hours."

"No." He said and lowered himself to kneel on the other side of the blanket. "I figured they might be gone. I came home to see you."

He met her eyes then, and she felt a sudden wave of emotion wash over her. Seeing him now, thin and with close-cropped hair, he somehow seemed both older and younger than the last time she had seen him. His eyes seemed much clearer and brighter, but she could see the shame in them, too. No doubt, the whole drive, he had struggled, anxious and unsure how to approach her.

She had feared seeing him again and worried that she would react with anger. She had worried that seeing him would bring back all the pain and horror of the night they had returned home to find Katy alone and sobbing, and yet instead she was filled with tremendous compassion. She could see in his bright eyes the light that had seemed dimmed in the weeks and days before Adam had driven him away from the ranch, and to a new and uncertain future.

He watched her, and she recognized that she had been quiet for far too long. The fear made his features seem even more thin.

"Hannah, I . . ." He began, glancing down at Katy who had crawled from his arms. He kneeled on the opposite end of the blanket and Katy danced between them, dropping her wilted flowers in front of each of them.

"Sorry," She interrupted him. "I am so glad to see you just now. I know you probably were hoping for a visit, but I have got to be honest, I'm really worn out."

"Yeah," He said, blinking tears out of his eyes, and rocking back onto his feet. "I can . . ."

"And I know it isn't very thrilling," She continued, interrupting him again. "But if you could keep an eye on Katy for just an hour, I could lay down and sleep."

As her request registered, he froze. She could see him struggle, processing her request. He opened his mouth twice as though to respond, but no sound came out.

"I would really appreciate it. I was just sitting out here in the sunshine, and it's taken every bit of my power to keep my eyes open."

"Uh, well, uh," He responded at last. "Yeah. I can do that."

"Thank you so much." She said, and began to struggle up to her feet. He rose immediately, holding out a hand to help her up.

"I really appreciate it." She said looking up into his eyes, which were bright with tears. "I'll be upstairs, if you need me, but she just ate so she should be good for the next thirty minutes." She squeezed his fingers. "I know you came for a visit, and not a babysitting job, but your niece doesn't seem to understand that her Mama's got to sleep now and again." She let go his hand, and he reached down to lift Katy up into his arms again. Katy nestled against his shoulder, cooing softly to herself, wilted flowers clutched in her tiny fingers.

"I . . ." He began to speak again, but Katy had taken a flower petal and tried to stick it to his face, causing both of them to laugh. The flower petals stuck to the side of his cheek, and laughing still, Hannah reached out to remove it.

"I'll see you two later." She said, nodding her head at him, and then turned to walk up the front steps.

"Don't worry about anything." He called after her.

"I won't." She said, pausing to look back and him, and she found that she really meant what she said. She knew her brother-in-law, and Katy was safe under his watchful eye. She nodded at him one more time and then disappeared into the house.

***7***

Adam McFadden returned to the house in the early afternoon, to find his brother sitting on the floor coloring at the coffee table with his daughter. Brian had drawn a pony and was asking Katy what she wanted to name it.

"Puppy." Katy said.

"Well, sure." Brian said agreeably. "You could call your pony Puppy."

"Dada!" Katy said looking up at Adam.

"I don't know if I would call a pony, that." Brian considered, but Katy pointed and Brian turned to see his older brother looking at him.

"Hey there, Brian. I wasn't expecting to see you here? I was thinking I might come home and kiss my wife." He raised an eyebrow at his brother. "I don't suppose you know where she is just now?" Adam asked as Katy ran to him. He bent down and lifted her up kissing her cheek.

"I had a day pass. My counselor drove me over." Brian said, as he cleaned up the crayons putting them in the open box on the coffee table. He dropped me off around noon or so. I didn't say anything about visiting because I was scared I'd lose my nerve. And I'm not kissing you, so don't even consider it."

"Okay." Adam said, shifting Katy to his hip. "The boys won't be home until late. Guthrie has soccer and Ford is tutoring. Daniel is on his way to a gig over in Sonora and . . ."

"No, I came to see Hannah." Brian explained.

"Yeah." Adam glanced around. "How did that go?"

"She, uh, she," Brian rose to stand in front of his older brother. "Well, she was all tuckered out, so she asked if maybe I could keep an eye on Katy so she could get a nap. She's upstairs, sleeping."

Adam considered this. He and Hannah had spent hours talking about Brian. He knew she was anxious to see him again, but also anxious _about_ seeing him again. "Well," He responded. "That girl is pretty miserable these days. You remember that last month. She can't get comfortable no matter what and Katy, here has decided that sleeping isn't part of her schedule. I'm grateful you gave her a chance to sleep."

"Adam," Brian sighed. "I don't know what to say to her."

"Well, you two have paved a pretty hard row already. I mean," Adam teased him. "You weren't exactly a welcoming committee to her the first day, but you always seem to manage."

"What should I do?" Brian asked.

Adam considered this for a minute. "I think you should help me get some ribs on the smoker. We'll let her sleep a bit longer, and take over dinner." He smiled at Brian. "I mean it doesn't solve your problem, but it can't hurt, right?"

"Yeah. Okay." Brian shook his head, and Adam reached out to squeeze his shoulder.

"You look good, man." Adam smiled at him. "It is good to have you here. How long can you stay?"

"Andrew's gonna swing back by later. He has to be back tonight."

"He has to be back? What about you?"

"One thing at a time big brother." Brian sighed. "I'm not sure I'm ready to face the boys. Let's see if I can manage your wife first."

"Good luck with that!" Adam laughed. "I love her to death, Bri, but my Girl is completely unmanageable."

Brian followed him as Adam headed toward the kitchen saying, "Man, the counselor said you are supposed to work at encouraging me."

"Your counselor uses an awful lot of big words for a simple rancher." Adam responded. "I might've missed that part. 'Sides I'm focusing on distracting you with other things, so you won't be tempted to drink. A difficult, complicated woman is about as distracting as life can get."

"Great." Brain shook his head. "Thanks, brother."

***7***

"Mama!" A soft voice said, and Hannah felt a tiny hand on her face. "Mama." She opened her eyes to see Adam smiling down at her, as Katy stretched an arm out toward her.

"Hey, there, darlin'" Adam said, smiling at her. "Have a nice nap?"

"What time is it?" She asked, moving to sit up. Katy crawled out of Adam's arms and moved to crawl across Hannah, but he swiftly lifted her, moving her to the side of the bed. "No, Katy Bug. You can't crawl on Mama." He reached out a hand to rub Hannah's stomach. "Baby." He told her.

"Baby." Katy repeated, as Hannah, sitting up completely, put an arm around Katie.

"What time is it?" Hannah asked again. "Where's . . ."

"It's nearly three." Brian said, stepping into the doorway. "Sorry. I let you sleep longer than you said, but you seemed like you needed it."

"You wouldn't believe the snoring." Adam said, winking at her.

"I don't snore." She protested. "I breathe lightly."

"Well, you were breathing lightly, pretty good." He grinned.

"Brian came for a visit." She said unnecessarily.

"I can see that." Adam nodded at Brian. "I came home to find him coloring with Katy. He was staying inside the lines and everything."

"Where are all the boys?" She asked.

"Guthrie has soccer, and Ford is tutoring so he can bring Guth home. Daniel had that gig, and Crane's with his study group. It's just the small McFadden family tonight."

"Oh," She sat up, and Adam reached a hand out to help her. "I better get dinner . . ."

"Brian and me are smoking some ribs, sweetheart. No work for you tonight."

"Thank you." She ran a hand over her face, and looked up at her brother-in-law who had stepped tentatively just inside the room. "How long can you stay?" She asked. "Everyone will want to see you, but they won't be home until later."

"Oh, well, I'm not . . . I think maybe I should . . ." He cleared his throat. "I just came to see you, Hannah. I'll head back in a few. I think that the boys need more time to . . ."

"Oh, but they'll want to see you!" She said, rising to her feet. "They've missed you so! Can't you stay until the evening?"

"I don't have to . . ." He paused, clearly uncomfortable. "I'm due back tomorrow morning but I didn't want to . . ." He rubbed his face. "I didn't want to presume anything, and . . ."

"Oh! Well, Adam can bring you back tomorrow! You can spend a night at home!"

"Hannah, look, I just . . ." He stepped closer to her. "I can't say sorry enough. I am . . . I am just so very sorry and . . ." He sighed.

"I know you are." She stopped him.

"I can't believe you." He said, shaking his head. "I've had so much time to think about things, and I've been thinking about all the ways you've been so kind to me. I swear, I don't deserve it. I was such an asshole when you first showed up, and how you didn't chew me out, I'll never understand."

"Well, I did flip the table over." She reminded him, sitting down on the side of the bed.

"Yeah," He agreed. "You did that and you also cut the boys' hair and helped Guthrie with his homework, and took over the cooking and cleaning no matter how much grief I gave you."

"Okay," Hannah said, lifting a hand in protest. "That's enough of all that."

"And I screw up on a horrific and unforgivable scale, and when I come back to beg your forgiveness and accept responsibility for the way I treated your sweet, baby daughter, you cut me off and ask me to babysit her again." He shook his head, brushing at tears. "I mean, it is just like you, Hannah. You are so unfailingly kind, and I am so grateful. I am sorry with all of my heart, I can't remember that night at all, but when I think of Katy . . ."

"I've had so much time to think about things, too." She said, cutting him off and glancing at Adam, who held Katy in his arms. "We both have."

"Katy is fine, Bri." Adam said. "She loves you."

"I know." Brian said, his voice choked by tears. "And I love her so much, and to think that I . . ."

"Brian, you can't do that to yourself." Hannah interrupted. "Look, if we had asked you to watch Katy and had come home that night to find you passed out on the ground from a heart attack or a stroke, we would have been so worried about you. We would have been upset because she had been without anyone watching over her, but we would have understood that you were sick."

"But . . ."

"It's no different, Brian. You _were_ sick." Hannah continued gently. "And now, you are getting better."

"She's right." Adam said to his brother. "And we aren't holding that against you. You were sick, and being sick affected you taking care of Katy."

"I just . . ." Brian swallowed hard, still standing just inside the room. "I can't believe . . ."

"Why are you standing way over there?" Hannah asked.

"Bri!" Katy said reaching out for her uncle from within the safety of her father's arms. "Unca Bri!"

"I don't know." He said wiping a hand across his face, and reaching to lift Katy up into his arms. He stepped further into the room. "I can't believe you." He told his sister-in-law. "The very first thing you do is ask me to watch her. How? I don't understand."

"That's because you've never been eight months pregnant with a toddler running around." She said shaking her head at him. "You can't imagine that kind of tired."

"It wasn't tiredness." He told her.

"No." Adam agreed.

"Oh, stop it." She waved a hand at them, rising. "You two don't want to set me crying."

"It was unbelievable kindness." Brian said softly. "And goodness."

"Sweetness, too." Adam added, wrapping an arm around his wife, and kissing her cheek.

"That, too." Brian agreed.

"So," Adam glanced at his wife, who had begun to cry. "You'll stay? Right, Bri?"

"I don't know." He said his voice breaking, and Katy reached up to pat his cheek.

"Well, how about at least for supper, then?" Adam pushed. "We can decide on the rest later."

"Maybe." Brian hesitated.

"Good." Adam said. He crossed to where his brother stood, lifting Katy out of his arms. "I'm gonna check on that smoker." He walked to the doorway. "Come help me, when you are done hugging my wife."

He stood in the doorway watching, as stepping closer, Brian wrapped his long arms around Hannah, hugging her as closely as her pregnant body would allow.

"I'm so sorry." He said. "I can't ever say how sorry I am, Sis."

"Love." Katy said.

"That's right, Princess." Adam said, kissing her cheek, and then turning left the room.


	13. Chapter 13

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Happy holidays - This story has never been far from my brain. Those who are still reading have the patience of saints. There is at least one more chapter before it ends and I'm gonna try and finish it up before 2019 hits._

***7***

HE DIDN'T stay on that first visit home. His nerves had been completely shot facing Hannah, and the idea of his younger brothers and all their anger seemed far too much for him to manage. Brian helped Adam get the ribs in the smoker and then called for his ride. He couldn't manage much else.

"You come back home to us, just as soon as you get the chance." Hannah had said, hugging him.

"Yes ma'am." He told her, trying not to reveal that even _this_ kindness left him teary. "You take care of yourself, Mrs. McFadden."

"Bri! Bri!" Katy reached up to him with outstretched arms, and he bent to lift his niece. "I'll be back soon, Katy Bug." He said kissing her soft cheek before passing her over to her father.

"You sure you won't stay?" Adam asked him again.

"Nah, brother." Brian said. "I've learned to understand my limits. This is it." He nodded at Hannah. "I need some time to process all this . . ." He hesitated, unable to continue at first. "All this undeserved kindness."

The whole ride back to Brighter Futures he was silent. He found himself lost in thought remembering not just the warmth of his sister and brother's embrace, but all the kindness he'd missed or overlooked. After all the weeks of struggle and anger, it felt so good to think about all the good things that continued to be a part of his life. When he got back to his room he fell asleep almost immediately and for the first time in a very long time, he slept the whole night through.

It was nearly three weeks later that he finally, finally found himself back at the ranch. He had already faced both Daniel and Evan - both brothers away from home at the time. He'd met up with Evan on the rodeo circuit, and had braced himself for an anger-fueled battle, but Evan had been surprisingly receptive.

"Me and Hannah have talked a lot." Evan shrugged his shoulders. "Well, mostly, she talked. I ain't one for talking."

"That's true." Brian agreed. "You never have been, but you also feel things really deeply."

"I do." Evan considered his older brother thoughtfully. "If you had come to me right after, I would've knocked you back on your ass. That baby girl is . . . well, I love her like nothing else, but Hannah pointed out that you love Katy just as much as me." He met his older brother's eyes. "It would break my heart to pieces if I let something get between me, and how I feel about her. Your drinking did that to you."

"It was still me." Brian wasn't ready to absolve himself completely. "I still left her. I understand Hannah's compassion, but it doesn't change the fact that I left her anything could've happened. Some might say it was a wake-up call for me, but that don't make it right. I'm still responsible."

"Yeah, and I guess you have to carry that with you." Evan responded. "But we all carry things with us. Me, I gotta walk through life knowing that you and Adam changed your entire lives for me."

"Nah, man. You don't have to do that." Brian was surprised by this honest confession from his usual taciturn brother.

"You can say that to me, just like Hannah can say she forgives you, but we still carry it." Evan explained, and it was something that stayed with Brian for a long time after. The truth was that Evan was right. He _would_ carry the knowledge that he'd nearly cost his beloved baby niece her life, and it wasn't something that could be set aside or forgotten. It was part of him, and as much as he and Adam had tried to show their brothers that they accepted their fates as heads of household, their younger brothers would carry that sacrifice with them for all time. He'd discussed with his therapist at his next session.

"The truth is we are all carrying things with us." His therapist had responded. "So much of our life is trying to find the best way to live with them. Do you think you can live with it?"

"I dunno." Brian considered. "I don't really have a choice, do I? And while what happened with Katy was horrible, it certainly isn't the only bad thing I did because of alcohol. I can write a long list of things I done wrong and people I hurt."

Daniel had been a bit more difficult. He had expected this, of course. In their whole lives together, nothing had been tougher than his relationship with Daniel. He had been wholly unable to help him with his grief when he was young. Unlike Adam, who had somehow managed to find the patience to deal with Daniel's seemingly unending rages, Brian had lost his temper again and again. "Enough!" He had shouted at his little brother more than once. "Just shut up!"

"'Bout damn time you showed up," was Daniel's greeting.

"Yeah." Brian responded. He'd met up with Daniel who had just gone on the road as a guitarist with Tommy Noma. "You are right."

"They let you out? You didn't bail on rehab, did you?"

"No, man." Brian sighed. "Rehab's been real tough, but it has been real good, too."

"Great for you." Daniel's response was biter.

"Look, man, I can't ever make up for what I've done, but I want you to know I understand the gravity of it. I understand the wrong I've done. And I'm gonna be spending my days making amends."

"That's between you and Hannah and Adam. It hasn't got anything to do with me." Daniel turned his face away.

"No. I'm not just talking about Katy. I'm talking about so many things." Here Daniel turned to look at him surprised. "I let you down a couple thousand times, and hurt you, too. My drinking is no excuse. And I . . ."

"Geez." Daniel interrupted. "What kind of place they got you at? You weren't that bad. Hell, we didn't even really think of you as a drunk until those last few months. You just liked to let off steam and . . ."

"Stop covering for me, little brother." Brian shook his head. "You boys - you are always making excuses. Is it guilt? I thought we did a better job of making things clear. Adam, and me, we had choices. We wanted to stay with you boys, and none of it - Mom and Daddy getting killed, us raising you boys, has nothing to do with me drinking. I made choices, and many of them were wrong, and I'm standing here because I need to make amends for that wrong. I wronged Katy. I wronged Hannah. I wronged Adam, but I wronged you, too."

"Man, okay." Daniel swallowed hard. "Look, I thought it would make me feel better if you ever did say sorry, but brother, this ain't necessary. We've talked about you a lot back home - you better believe Mrs. McFadden has got every brother 'sharing their feelings' about the situation. I understand it. It was a bad time for all of us, but winters always end. The sun always comes back up."

IN THE END, those first two conversations left him emotionally drained, _again_. Yet, he knew his conversation with his youngest brothers would be equally difficult. He was pretty terrified of facing Guthrie again. It was painful to be clear-headed enough to see the damage he'd done.

He was unsurprised when Hannah opened the door to him, a grin on her face.

"It's about time, you showed up here!" She kissed his cheek and hugged him as best she could despite her growing stomach. Katy who was clinging to her legs, clapped her hands together and said, "Bri!"

He reached down lifting her up and hugging her tight. "Little Miss! Are you being good for your Mama?"

"Mama." Katy said pointing at Hannah. "Baby."

"That's right, kiddo. We've got another McFadden just about to arrive." He turned to Hannah. "How you feeling?"

"Big as a house, and fairly uncomfortable." She told him. "And gloriously happy. I was thinking this one would be in grade school before you ever showed up back here again."

"Well, I had to wander the wide world to catch up with Evan and Daniel."

"How about our famous brothers?" She asked him.

"Adam must be fit to be tied with Daniel making such a quick an easy go of things."

"It sort of makes it seem like all his worries were a waste of time." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Then again, worrying is generally a waste of time, wouldn't you agree?"

"You ought to know." He shrugged his shoulders. "You of all people know, the McFadden boys can be an intimidating group."

"True that." She said, sighing and rubbing her stomach absently. "I'm glad you are home with us, nevertheless. How long can you stay?"

"I've earned myself a two day pass." He raised an eyebrow. "But we'll see how things go."

"Everything will be fine." She reassured him.

"The boys home?" He asked nervously.

"Yep. They are out in the barn." She smiled at him. "Adam and Crane went into town, so you at _least_ have to stay until supper."

"I'm not real sure." He responded nervously. "What odds you got?"

"Brian, those boys love you. They are just waiting for you to talk to them. You are their brother, and brothers always forgive." She smiled up at him.

HE FOUND THEM in the barn mucking out the stables, and he recognized that facing them while armed with pitchforks was probably less than ideal.

"Hey, boys," He began, and they turned to face him wide-eyed and stunned.

"Brian!" Guthrie spun on him, his voice tinged with anger. "No one told us you were coming home."

"No one knew." He explained. "I've been fretting over coming here to face you two."

"You talked to everyone else, already." Ford said bitterly. "They told us."

"It seemed like the only way to do any of you justice was to meet you one or two at a time. If I faced you all together, how could I really talk to you, you know?" He shrugged. "I've done a ton of things wrong, and maybe this is just one more of them. I just wanted to face you eye-to-eye, so that I could apologize. And I do apologize. I acted really badly to Adam, and Hannah - and to Katy, but I acted badly to the both of you, too."

"We've talked about that day." Ford told him. "All of the family - we talked about it a lot."

"Me and Ford cleaned up the high chair. Did you know that?" Guthrie asked. "We scrubbed and scrubbed it. The peaches were stuck to it like plaster."

"We didn't want Hannah to see it." Ford added. "I think about it a lot. I hate even the smell of peaches now."

"Yeah," Brian said softly. "That's on me. You boys, I'm really sorry. That day was just one part of me not taking responsibility for my own life. And I know any promises I make will just seem empty to you - especially to you, Guth because you've heard it before, but I am working really hard to do things differently - I'm working hard to be the kind of man you can count on. The kind of man you can be proud of - the kind of mind that I can be proud of."

They studied him with wide eyes that were filled with equal parts hope and doubt, and it hurt him to think he'd been the one to put the doubt there. Sighing he told them, "Time will tell, fellas. You don't have to take my word for anything. Time will always out a man."

"I'm glad you are home." Guthrie said shyly. "We did miss you." He took a small step closer to Brian, and it gave Brian the bravery he needed to reach out and embrace his youngest brother.

"I swear, Guth. I am sorry and I am gonna work hard to be a better man." He pulled Ford into his embrace. "I am truly sorry to you, Ford."

He had expected to spend hours going over every mistake he'd ever made, but he'd forgotten who quickly his youngest brothers moved from one idea to the next. He had come home, he had apologized, and they were ready to eat. The three of them had just stepped out of the barn and were headed to the house, when they saw Katy standing in the yard. She was alone.

All his good feelings fell away, and his blood turned to ice. Hannah would never leave Katy outside alone and unsupervised. He ran to her, sliding to his knees in front of her.

"Where's Mama?" He asked.

"Mama sleep." Katy said.

"Where?" He asked frantically. "Where Mama sleep?"

Katy pointed her finger toward the house, and Brian looked up at Guthrie who stood to his left, lifting Katy up and passing her to Guthrie. "Stay here, boys. You keep a watch over Katy."

He ran toward the house, his foot sliding on the second step of the porch, so that he nearly fell. She wasn't in the front room or in the dining room, but as he swung open the kitchen door, he could see her lying on the kitchen floor.


	14. Chapter 14

BRIAN DROPPED TO his knees beside his sister-in-law. "Hannah?" His voice pitched high in panic.

"It's about . . ." She gasped out. "Time."

"What . . . ."

"I think this baby is ready, NOW." The last word came out harsh.

"What's happening?" Guthrie asked, and Brian looked up to see Ford and Guthrie in the doorway. Guthrie held Katy in his arms.

"Mama." Katy said. "Mama sleeping."

"Call for an ambulance." Brian said everything suddenly snapping into focus. He pushed his panic away, and directed his younger brothers. "Ford, get some towels."

"Not . . . my good . . .ones." Hannah spit out. "I don't think this baby is gonna wait for the ambulance." She met Brian's eyes, looking frightened.

"Well, McFaddens are nothing but trouble, sweetheart." He grinned at her, feigning confidence. "You think we can move you to a bed at least?"

"No." She responded, her face in a tight grimace. "Brian?"

"Alright." He told her, taking the towels that Ford handed him. "Get a pillow for her head." Brian directed. "And then you boys kept Katy in the front room, but keep an ear out, in case I need you."

"Ambulance is on it's way." Guthrie said from the doorway. "Should I ride out to get Adam?"

"No, he'll be heading in soon, and I might need one of you to help and the other to watch Katy. Keep an eye out for that ambulance." He turned to Hannah as Ford handed him a pillow. "I guess you decided on a home birth."

***7***

ADAM McFADDEN returned home to find nearly every light on in the downstairs, but no one around. He was shocked to find a pile of towels in the middle of the kitchen floor. He felt the blood drain from his face. He stood frozen. Crane entered about two steps behind him talking, " . . . like every single light is on. Where is every . . ." He nearly ran into Adam, and stared. "Is that blood?"

Adam immediately spun around and ran upstairs, yelling as he did. "Hannah? Hannah?"

"Hold up!" Crane called after him. "There's a note!" He spotted the note on the table and followed Adam out into the front room. Adam was frozen half-way down the stairs.

"What?" Adam burst out. "Crane, goddammit! What does it say?"

"Looks like Katy is a big sister." Crane said with a grin. "And it looks like the newest McFadden was in a real big hurry to get here." He handed the note to Adam.

"What?" Adam took the note in his shaking fingers. "How . . . she . . . we got two more . . . the baby is due on the 11th."

"Guess nobody told your kid." Crane clapped him on the shoulder. "They took her to county. We should go." He paused and then added. "They took _them_ to county."

"It doesn't say." Adam said numbly. "It doesn't say if we had a boy or a girl."

Crane grabbed hold of his brothers upper arm. "Well, hell, Adam, you could probably find out if you go to the hospital, huh? Come on. It says Hannah and the baby are fine."

"Brian wrote the note." Adam said as he staggered behind Crane out the front door. "Brian was here?"

"Brother, you've lost it." Crane said climbing up into the truck. "He was coming to talk to Ford and Guthrie, remember? He called this morning, and it looks like he showed up just in time to deliver your baby."

"The baby is here?" Adam said and Crane found himself laughing so hard that he nearly careened off the road.

***7***

"Adam Jackson McFadden, the third." Crane said with a grin as he leaned against the wall of the hospital corridor.

"Yup." Brian said. "Daddy be fit to be tied just now."

"He would at that." Crane agreed. "What the hell happened?"

"Well, after our fantastic phone conversation." He grimaced at the memory of their difficult phone conversation early that day. "I gathered up all my courage to talk to the babies, who were unbelievably kind toward me. We were just about to head into the house when we found Katy standing in the front yard alone."

"Oh no!" Crane said.

"Hannah had told her to go find us, but putting a toddler in charge of messages is a pretty lousy idea. Anyway, by the time we got inside, Adam the third was ready to make his arrival."

"So you delivered the baby." Crane said incredulous.

"Well," Brian rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "Well, yeah, I did." He shook his head. "I don't even know how I managed it. When I first saw her lying on the floor there, I was pretty close to passing out, but when I realized what was happening, and she looked up with those damn big eyes of hers, I realized it was me or nothing."

"And everyone's healthy." Crane said reaching up to squeeze Brian's shoulder. "I feel like a jerk for being so sharp with you earlier."

"Oh, well, that was deserved, little brother." He looked at Crane. "And this was lucky happenstance. It doesn't change the past."

"It doesn't hurt." Crane grinned at him. "You think they'll let us in, yet?"

"Well, I'm practically on staff, now." Brian grinned at him. "I'll see what I can do."

***7***

THIS TIME BRIAN didn't stand in the doorway of the hospital room. He found himself drawn into the center of the room, where Hannah lay in the hospital bed, a small bundle in her arms. Adam, still somewhat white faced, sat beside her on the bed - a suggestion a nurse had made to him as she watched him wavering his eyes wide with shock.

"I brought Uncle Crane with me." Brian said, and Hannah smiled up at them.

"You had an eventful afternoon, little Sister." Crane said crossing the room and kissing her cheek. He peered at the small bundle in her arms. "Well, thank God, this one looks like you, too, honey."

"He looks just like me." Adam said with a wide smile. "He's handsome as can be."

"Who's got Katy?" Hannah asked looking up.

"Guthrie was reading her a story downstairs. Marie in on her way to pick her up." Brian told her.

"Those poor boys." Hannah said. "I feel just terrible. They are permanently traumatized."

"Poor boys? All they did was bring us some towels and a pillow." Brian told her. "They babysat for twenty minutes!"

"Well, that's true." Hannah agreed. "I'm afraid it's you I've traumatized." She blushed.

"Well, I'm a rancher, sweetheart, I'm solid as the earth beneath your feet." He grinned at her. "You can't stress me out." He collapsed in a chair beside the bed. "Although, you gave it a pretty good go."

"I haven't got words enough to thank you, Bri." Adam said.

"Oh, well . . ." Brian waved dismissively at his older brother. "I was just there and . . ."

"Thank God, you were there!" Adam said forcefully, pausing to kiss Hannah's forehead. His dark eyes filled with tears, but to cover it he said, "Wanna hold him?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Brian jumped up and lifted his small nephew out of his sister-in-law's arms, holding the tiny body close. "Hey, there cowboy," He said, his voice gentle. He kissed the downy soft forehead of the newest McFadden. He found himself at a loss for words, his nephew in his arms, his brothers, and Hannah smiling at him. He couldn't have put a name to what he felt if he tried; it was too many things all at once, but if he had to call it anything, he supposed the only word he could use to describe it was home.

***7***

EPILOGUE

ADAM MCFADDEN leaned back in his saddle stretching his back and pulling up on the reins paused to consider the view. The herd was stretched out ahead of him and in the far distance he could see his brothers driving the herd toward the winter pasture.

"Strays?" Brian asked riding up beside him.

"Nope." He responded. "Just resting a sec."

"Old age." Brian responded with a chuckle.

"Well, maybe." Adam said, glancing at his brother with a grin. "If old age means that you take time to ponder the goodness that is stretched out in front of you."

Brian followed Adam's line of sight to the large herd ahead of them, their brothers and in the far distance the ranch. He raised an eyebrow, and shaking his head said, "Come on man, you trying to get me all emotional?"

Adam grinned. "I don't know. I was just thinking how happy I am to have you home, and to have everything running so smoothly."

"What a sap." Brian said. "You are worse than Hannah, now." He took of his hat, wiping his brow. "God, it's good to be home."

"We are happy to have you here, brother." Adam said reaching out to place a hand on Brian's shoulder. "Me and Hannah, can't thank you enough."

"Well, I think maybe you are letting recent events cloud your memory."

"Nah, man. What happened with Katy was all about your sickness. What happened with Junior was all you - the real you. And if you hadn't been here . . . well, I owe you a lot, brother."

"I owe you ten times more." Brian responded.

"Nah, that's just . . ."

"No." Brian cut off his older brother. "You making me go to rehab. Look, I don't want to be all dramatic and everything, but you saved my life, Adam." He shrugged. "You really did."

"Well," Adam considered this thoughtfully. "You delivering Junior like you did. You pretty much saved my life, too."

"I guess, we're even then." Brian said with a wink.

"I guess so," Adam agreed.

They rode together toward the ranch, their younger brothers flanking the herd ahead of them, and for the first time in a very long the only thing that Brian McFadden felt, was peace.

***The End***

 _Author's Note: Happy 2019 everyone. Thank you for your patience, and for allowing me to stretch the bounds of reality a bit._


End file.
